Question:Dear Christine,
I’m looking for Mr. Right, but keep meeting Mr. Wrong! Seriously, I feel like I keep on attracting duds. I know the perfect mate may not exist and compromise is a must, but how much should I be willing to compromise? My faith in the male species is slowly dwindling, their lack of chivalry, consideration and general lack of knowledge when it comes to what women want is discouraging and exhausting. I swear I meet all of the duds out there. The guys I meet are so high maintenance, needing so much direction in how to be romantic, or thoughtful…I feel more like their teachers then their equal. I wonder if this is because I’m dating guys that are too young (early 20’s) and maybe should be looking for more mature guys?
Please Help, Looking For My Equal
Answer: Dear Looking For My Equal,
First, relationships are not about compromise. Compromise means someone or both people in the relationship are making a sacrifice. Healthy long-term relationships are based on creating ‘deals’ where both partners feel they got the better end of the deal. For example, if something you need in a relationship is more chivalry than you actually say it very directly, “what I’d love is more chivalry.” It doesn’t stop there though. You will then give him examples of what chivalry looks like for you rather than making him guess – like does it mean opening car doors or walking you to your door, or both? Be specific. Then, the next time he expresses chivalry, you take time to acknowledge it. Men want to know what works for you and what makes you happy. I suspect that you have been giving direction but perhaps not expressing appreciation equally or maybe not seeing his unique forms of chivalry. Ask for what you need and then when you receive it, take time to appreciate it.
What might be coming off as ‘general lack of knowledge’ is more about his relationship history than it is about you. I want you to apply my advice but I also want you to try dating different types of guys. Mix it up a little bit. Make a point of going out with a guy you find attractive but you would never normally consider. From your question, it looks like you are dating a lot of the same type of guy.
Don’t lose faith in the male species, they really do want to see you smiling and happy…..they just want you to be more vocal on what makes you happy and what works specifically for you. Every woman is different so we can’t expect them to ‘just know’. ‘Just knowing’ comes over time in a relationship after a lot of open communication.
To your authenticity,
Love, Christine