Yes, it’s true, there are couples who never fight and claim they do not have any relationship problems. You may have heard of these elusive couples and picture them happily agreeing about everything and in a constant state of joy. You may still remember a conversation you had long ago with a stranger, saying, “my husband and I never fight”.
How can a couple claim to “never fight?” Well it’s not as clear cut as that. Why? Two reasons are at play here:
One, people have different views on what is defined as “fighting”.
Two, if there are zero disagreements happening, then someone in the relationship is going without what they actually need. It’s an avoidance technique, really. It’s just easier to go without a particular need then to risk a fight asking for it.
Let’s look at reason One first. I was watching a cheesy reality show the other evening and the couple was posing for a photo. The photographer remarked that it would be easier if they’d stop arguing. The wife looked at her and said, “we’re not arguing, we never argue, we’re discussing”. The husband nodded in agreement. To myself and the photographer, they were definitely fighting or at the very least in a heated disagreement. I also know of another couple whom, the way they speak to each other on a daily basis is like one-long-argument. There’s no need to fight because the level of passive aggressiveness that is exchanged on a daily basis doesn’t leave room for it. These are two examples of couples who would say, “they never fight”.
Now let’s look at reason Two. There are couples who don’t fight but that is clearly not okay with one of them. Both men and women can relate to using the “Yes, Dear” approach to potential disagreements because it’s just easier. The problem is that deep down, every time they do this they are telling themselves that they are not worth speaking up for. This is no way to live, and yet it has become their go-to peace-keeping tool. No one wins in this situation and in fact, if you are too much of a yes-woman or a yes-man, it ultimately creates an even deeper issue in the relationship.
There are many couples therapists who would almost congratulate you on having a fight or fights. They agree it’s a good thing and is important to growth in a relationship. Many couples report actually feeling closer to their partner after a big fight because the process of repairing things highlighted needs that were previously overlooked.
In no way am I saying go out and pick a fight with your partner but I do believe healthy disagreements are a good thing. You each need to be reminded now and again where your own boundaries are, as well as your partner’s. You are individuals after all who likely became fully grown adults before you laid eyes on each other so it’s important to keep that person alive within the relationship.
There are no bonus points in the relationship world for being the couple who never fights. There is such a thing as healthy disagreements and a respectful resolution. If you stick to this form of negotiating rough waters in your relationship, you will always grow and feel respected.
To your authenticity,
Love, Christine