So What's With This Term, "Dog Mommy"?

So What's With This Term, "Dog Mommy?"

I've had quite a number of single men say to me they have dated women they now refer to as "Dog Mommies" so I decided to investigate further. What is a Dog Mommy and how is it affecting your dating life? Now, I first have to preface, all the men I spoke to are DOG LOVERS but just don't have a dog of their own.

Dog Mommy (dfn) - a woman who is consistently cancelling or adjusting dating plans based on her dog's schedule.  

Balancing your dog’s schedule with your own can be difficult but ask any dog lover and they’ll say it’s all worth it.

BUT, what about when you think that maybe your dog responsibilities are cutting into your dating life? How do you balance your love for your dog with your desire to meet a great guy? 

Things you want to first ask yourself: 

Is my dog complementing my life or is my dog MY LIFE? ie, can I be carefree and enjoy myself on a date without worrying about my dog at home?

Do I narrow my search for a partner by whether or not he has a dog?

Do I often say no to drinks or activities with friends and co-workers because I have to go home and walk my dog?  

One man said to me, "Most of the time, I felt like she had a child and I was consistently a lower priority"

Another man asked me: "There are so many single women in their mid-30's getting dogs. Is it because they really want to be a mom and this is the next best thing or what?" 

What I believe is that you can have both if you learn how to manage. I know plenty of women with dogs who have a healthy dating life but the key is they also set aside a budget for an excellent dog walker and dog sitter.

When making plans with your date, use positive, inclusive language: “I can’t meet with you, I have to take my dog out” is not nearly as inclusive as saying something like, “I’d love to meet up with you, how is 7:00 at (location) by my house after I take my dog for a walk? or "You can come with me on my walk if you like and we can go to the (location) afterwards”. 

What this shows is that yes, you are a dog owner who loves her dog BUT you also masterfully balance so that you can create a healthy dating life. 

Some women are not willing to budge when it comes to their dog and it can be a real turn-off. I catch some saying things like, “well he must love my dog or I want nothing to do with him”. Yes, if everything worked out perfectly, the dynamic between pets or kids and a new partner would be blissful right from the beginning but the reality is these relationships often need time and just because the first meeting wasn't amazing, doesn't necessarily mean the second one won't work.

One last thing is think seriously about allowing your dog to share your bedroom. Dogs are of course territorial and adjusting to a new boyfriend sharing the bed could be very stressful. I'm not a dog training specialist but I'm sure the infamous Caesar has some words on training your dog to sleep outside the bedroom or in their own bed on the floor. Just trying to help you avoid a mood killer on those romantic evenings with your new guy. :)

So enjoy your pet, balance things out by hiring a dog-sitter and use inclusive language. 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Where Is This Going?

Where Is This Going?  Have you found yourself asking this exact question?

Have you been dating someone for a certain period of time but have no idea where it's headed? A coaching client shared with me that she was 'dating' a guy but really didn't know much about him. They would meet up on weekends, go out together, whether it's drinks, dinner or dancing but they would never speak during the week. She knew a little bit about him and his past relationships but not very much. She wanted something more but didn't know how to go about it without feeling too pushy.

Because of her attraction to him, she felt that if she spoke up for what she really wanted (more communication during the week and a sense that this is headed somewhere), she might lose him. This is what women (and men) often do when they think they've met someone really great but don't want to lose them.

The problem? Well, for one, you are teaching them how to treat you by going along with what actually isn't okay with you. I highly suspect the guy my client is dating doesn't have any idea she'd like more than what he is currently providing because she says 'yes' every time he asks her out for a weekend activity.

The second problem I know happens is she starts to build resentment and starts feeling like he's taking advantage of her and her intentions to be in a real relationship. She feels let down and spends a lot of her time feeling nervous and unfulfilled.

What do I advise? Be open about what you want. Be open about what you love about spending time together and be clear on what you want more of. Don't pretend "everything's cool" when it's really not. It will create even more distance.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Doesn't He Pick Up On My Hints?

Recently a male client of mine mentioned that a trait of women that drives him crazy is that "they don't ask for what they want, they just hint!!". I could tell this was a huge frustration for him and quite honestly the biggest thing that was holding him back. He would go out on dates and half the time not know if he should be decoding everything. He always felt like he was disappointing women because he wasn't picking up on subtleties and he'd either hear about their frustration with him or he'd just never hear from them again. At the same rate, women come to me and say things like "I've hinted at wanting to go to that travel destination/shop/restaurant and he's never taken me there". Or, "I've hinted about that shop I love to go to and he didn't go there for my birthday present. What gives?"

The problem lies in the fact that when women interact with other women we spend a lot of our time both speaking in hints and picking up on hints. We have mastered the art of subtlety and will be the first to notice what a friend or even a stranger needs. A friend could say they love lavender earl grey tea and you can bet that's what we'll put under the tree for them a year from now.

There's actually a scientific reason behind all of this. There is a part of the female brain that is actually wired to pick up on hints. This does not exist to the same level in male brains. It's certainly not to say it doesn't exist, but not to the same level as it does in female brains. Perhaps it traces back to our cave-woman days where we needed to be super aware of the emotional and physical needs of our community when the men were out hunting mammoths to ensure we stayed fed. A good book to read more on these intricacies is, The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, MD.

So what do I advise you to do? Develop a little compassion based on a greater knowledge of each other's brains. Sure it can be frustrating but don't you think you will get further with the opposite sex if you take more time to understand them? It's why a lot of what I teach gives both men and women an opportunity to understand each other, celebrate and even share a laugh at the differences.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Should I Play The Field Or Flirt With One?

Question:Hi Christine, I have a question and it has to do with playing the field.

There is this guy that I'm quite interested in. We have just become friends and have been spending some time together. Currently our time together is relaxed and I have been working hard to keep it that way, while also subtly showing him slight tid bits of adoration. Now for the first time he & I and some mutual friends will be going out to a club together. It is my understanding that he has been picking up on some of my hints and has been reciprocating. Now I'm not too sure of how to behave on this outing. Do I continue playing the field, while also flirting with him? Or do I focus my attention on flirting with him? What is the protocol?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, SH

Answer: Dear SH,

Thank you for your question. My advice is to flirt with him for most of evening. I would make sure that you reach out and touch his hand or shoulder at some point while maintaining eye-contact (strong signal!). If the club is loud, leaning in to say something in his ear while your cheeks caress is a nice advance too. Don't go over the top, subtlety is key. You can certainly talk to other men but don't openly flirt with other men. Games are lame. If you do find yourself in a longer non-flirtatious conversation with a different guy, be sure to make eye contact with the guy you are interested in. The evening at the club is going to be a much more intense atmosphere so you can take a few more risks. Something about dancing and loud music can cause people to step a little further out of their comfort zone so this is going to work in your favor. It's all about sending enough signals so that he feels comfortable in asking you out - whether it happens that evening or shortly after. Have fun!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How Do Men Know If They Want to Marry You?

So you’ve been dating a guy for quite some time and you sense things could be shifting toward something more serious….like marriage. You are pretty clear on the reasons why you’d like to marry him but how does he decide? What sort of thought process does he go through to decide if he’d like to propose? Well, I asked the same question to hundreds of men and here are some of the reasons they'll know they want to marry you (I’ll share more another time) they told me: 1) He likes her and feels liked by her.

I know this may seem so obvious but you would be amazed at how many people marry someone they don’t genuinely, fully and deeply like. When he likes you, it means he is just naturally charmed by you – no effort. And when a man feels ‘liked’ by you, it gives him the freedom to completely be himself around you. He can picture being married to you but still having the freedom to just be himself.

2) Importance’s are honored

Things that are important to him are honored even if they are not important to you. The fact that it’s important to him is enough. So for instance, you could dislike watching sports but the two of you find a way to snuggle on the couch (maybe you even wear silencing headphones while reading a magazine!) and eat popcorn from the same bowl. You make an effort to meet him in the middle rather than giving him a hard time about it. He will, in turn do the same for you and the things that are important to you.

3) He sees a joint future with her that he wants

Men often arrive in the relationship having an idea of where he wants his life to go and he’s looking to clearly see that who the two of you are together, really does work. He’s looking at whether or not you include him in your life or does he consistently feel like an outsider? Does he feel like you share on a much deeper level with your friends, co-workers and family members?

It’s been said to me by one particular gentleman, “Men marry the woman who already feels like their wife”.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why We Should Compliment the Men in Our Lives More

Have we forgotten to compliment the men in our lives? Based on an experience I had with a client of mine recently, I'm starting to think that we have. A few months ago I gave a male client of mine a compliment. We were talking about his wardrobe and how I felt he needed to purchase some ‘date-wear’. Although his clothes were clean, he could be mistaken for just emerging from the couch after a few hours of video games. I didn’t think this was going to help with the ladies.

I said, “you’re already a handsome guy, you just need some color in your wardrobe”

He looked at me in complete shock. His body language became shy and he had this air of disbelief.

To me, I was just simply stating the obvious with the handsome comment and was prepared to move on in the conversation but to him, it stopped him in his tracks. After a few seconds of silence, he said:

“No one has ever called me handsome. Thank you”

His sincerity caused me to pause and I said it to him again, ‘you’re handsome!’ knowing that it may take weeks or months for him to start believing this truth.

I later consulted a few male friends on the topic and this is what one of them shared with me,

“Women have very little idea of the power that they can have over a man who hasn't had many compliments in his life. Certain men in this world have had no one to pay them compliments. We have an international media juggernaut telling us on an hourly basis that only guys who look like Ryan Reynolds or Brad Pitt can get girls and if you don't look anything like these sorts of guys, you have no chance in hell of finding happiness, let alone love. And when we do actually have someone tell us, it's usually our Mothers or other family members and we then tell ourselves that any compliment from these women is invalid because they HAVE to say those things.Women can help build men into BETTER men, more confident, more self-assured. Women can help change men’s lives simply by saying a few words and then believing in us.”

So the next time you are thinking nice thoughts about a guy – try saying it in your outside voice. I know, sometimes we forget or we think maybe we’ll make him feel uncomfortable. Take the risk and the let the truth make his day.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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What should I do when she is moody?

What should I do when she is moody? Men and women both get “moody”. In fact there are studies that show men have “their time of the month too” which I’ll get into in a future Blog. Men have asked me recently how to effectively handle a woman’s bad mood. My advice is aimed at helping you understand and effectively be there for women who are occasionally moody.

A guy needs to remember not to unintentionally reward her for being in a bad mood. If you tip-toe around her, cow-tow to her every demand and are super, extra, extra nice, you risk getting caught in the cross-fire and BECOMING the problem. I’m not encouraging you to avoid being kind and understanding, just don’t go over the top. Authors, Louis & Copeland suggest these excellent keys for handling a woman’s bad mood:

1) Acknowledge it: “Had a bad day?”, “Not feeling so good today?”, “Having a rough time?” 2) Show a little compassion for her mood. The key here is to never try to solver her problem. Just listen to her and show a little compassion. You might say: “Sounds rough. I know how bad a bad mood can be.” “Wow, I’m sorry you are having a hard time” 3) Stay upbeat. This is critical. You must go on with your life, little affected by her bad mood. You shouldn’t do this in a sarcastic or overly enthusiastic manner: just make it clear her mood is not going to change yours. 4) Step aside as soon as possible. If she’s really down, she’ll either want to sort it out with your help or sort it out alone. If she wants your help, DON’T immediately offer solutions, just ask her clarifying questions so she can get clear on what she’s upset about. Examples are: "Sounds pretty intense. Tell me more if you want to." or "Is there anything that I can say or do that would help?"

By following these steps to the letter, you will greatly minimize any frustration felt by either of you.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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The Shocking Truth About Men & Saying I Love You

Why are some men so guarded from saying "I love you?" You may be the type of person who is free with your “I love you's”. You say it to a friend after meeting them for a coffee or to your cousin every time you hang up the phone with her. Alternatively, you may be the type of person who is very selective with your “I love you’s” - you reserve them for just the right time in a romantic setting or only for your mother on Mother’s Day and even then it is only in a card. You may find you are somewhere in between the two.

Whichever type you are, both men and women have their own personal reasons for using or avoiding these 3 words in their everyday lives.

Speaking specifically about relationships and dating though, there is often a lot of pressure for a woman to hear “I love you” from a man. It’s often not intentional pressure but a woman tends to determine exactly where she stands and where this relationship is going based solely on these three words.

It is not the same for men. They do not have the same relationship with the words “I Love You” as women do. In a recent Pax workshop, a woman posed the question “Why can’t they just say ‘I Love You’?” A man replied, “Because it means more than that.” When a man is in love, it is very intense for him. Encapsulating these feelings into 3 simple, basic words doesn’t really make sense to him. It can almost be insulting to him because the depth of his feelings are much deeper than three words.

Sometimes the conversation can go like this:

Woman: “How do you feel about me?”

Man: pause, thinking, pause, maybe the first time he has considered it, pause, thinking

Woman: (in her head thinking about all the good or bad things that could come out of his mouth at this very moment and it seems like an eternity)

Man: “I care about you.”

Woman: "What the heck?! You CARE about me? What does that mean?!! I think we should end this right now because you obviously don’t feel the same way."

Man: Speechless and mystified.

You see “I care about you” to a man has the same weight as “I love you” does for a woman. The problem is when a woman is breaking up with a man, she will often say “I care about you BUT……” and usually it's followed with some bs line. This is why when sometimes when a woman hears “I care about you” from a man, she’ll immediately question if it’s bs.

When men were asked in the workshop what “I care about you” means when they say it, the men had these responses:

“It means you are the centre of my world.” “It means everything I do, I do for you.” “It means I would do anything for you, including die for you.”

I would say that sounds a lot like the feelings behind the words “I love you”, wouldn’t you?

Let me know, leave your comments below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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