The worst question to ask

Awhile back I read a very interesting blog post that was built around the worst thing you can ask a woman you are dating or in a long term relationship with:

How was your day?

I started to think about this even before I continued reading the post, and you know what, I thought – “that’s kinda true”. When you are asked this particular question, you often don’t even know where to begin. As women, we store every detail of every occurrence in our brain somewhere so we could start anywhere! I’m sure you’ve noticed, sometimes the next thing after this question is asked is a big sigh and something along the lines of “gosh, where to I start?!”.

You see, at the end of a day, when a woman is asked “How was your day?”, she makes a choice in that moment to either divulge every detail of the highs and lows, wins and losses or scratch all of that and just say “fine, how was yours?” This may seem polite but if left at that for weeks or months, it can cause a woman to build up resentment against the question. Once a couple discovers this question is not getting the results they want, there are many ways it can be approached. One of the things you can do is have the man start to ask different questions. Warning: it’s going to feel super, super weird in the beginning but you will get hooked on the depth of the answers over awhile.

Here are some examples:

When did you feel loved today? When did you feel lonely? What did I do today that made you feel appreciated? What did I say that made you feel unnoticed? What can I do to help you right now?

Re-read my warning above because I know these might be awkward to ask at first. And no, you don’t need to ask all of these questions at once (gosh, that would be communication overload) ☺ You both need to be committed to wanting to break through that uncomfortable feeling that arises around the “How was your day?” question and realistically, you may even continue to ask that question here and there. However, you will also have the other more specific questions to balance out your communication. Some days you might even prefer a super light conversation at the end of the day and that’s what it’s there for.

COACHING EXERCISE FOR YOU

If you are in a relationship, try these questions out. You may want to preface the first time with sharing a statement like, “I was thinking it would be fun and interesting to ask each other a variety of different questions when we see each other at the end of the day….” Try them out one at a time and see which one leads to the most varied answers and then keep going. If you are single, try this out on friends. You could actually use it as a bit of an experiment – you could ask “How was your day?” to one friend and one of the above questions to another friend and see what types of answers you get. It will be very interesting to see the variety in responses. Plus, this will give you practice for when you do find your lucky significant other!

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Portugal, here I come and navigating friendships

Tonight I will be heading off on my adventure to Portugal. It’s been a real potpourri of emotion leading up to this moment. I didn’t know what level of strength I would have at this point in my grieving journey when I committed back in March but it seems David has equipped me with enough spirit nudges from afar to do this. Thank you my Sweet Love. Originally, a dear friend was to join me but some unexpected circumstances have come up in her life so she’s had to cancel. This will make for a very different trip than I expected, but I remain open to what will unfold and the variety of people I will meet. Before heading to the Festival, I will be spending a few days in Lisbon seeing a friend I’ve known since grade 7 who's had two kids since we last saw each other.Time flies.

Speaking of friendships, I’ve been talking with several different friends on this topic lately. We’ve been discussing the friendships that are harmonious in our lives, vs. the ones that seem to struggle. The common theme we agree on is that the people we are close with are the ones who view friendship in the same light.

One friend said to me, “There are friends in our lives that we hold very dear and think of often but that doesn’t always translate into a phone call or email…..and that works for both.”

We know where we stand with each other and are super happy whenever we make a connection. If it’s been awhile, we greet each other with:

“So great to hear from you! You’ve been on my mind!”

not,

“I never hear from you.”

For instance, my friend in Lisbon is someone I became good friends with in junior high and we’ve drifted in and out of each other’s lives since, without issue. We don’t pause to take anything personally when we haven’t heard from each other in awhile.

It’s an unspoken truth in these types of free-flowing friendships that we will continue to glide around our own respective worlds and bump into each other to check in when each of us are feeling called to. Two people who have the same view on friendship can create so much possibility and a much deeper connection than two people who have different views.

So here comes your coaching exercise for the week…

COACHING EXERCISE FOR YOU

Take a look at the different friendships you have in your life. To keep things easy, let’s just divide them into two categories: Free-Flowing and Struggle. Don’t be shy about writing down names. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a real person. J Now look to see which ones make you feel tangled up, guilty or unhappy. These are your Struggle friendships. Secondly, look at your Free-Flowing friendships. You should almost immediately feel a sense of ease, well-being and warmth about these friendships regardless of how often you see each other.

What you choose to do about this list is up to you. You may have some restructuring to do in the friend department or you may be simply inspired to reach out and check in with a Free-Flower.

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Couple’s Therapy at a Music Festival. Huh?

Did I ever think that I'd be asked to offer couple's therapy at a music festival? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I don't love the idea! One of my favorite things to do in life is listen to live music outdoors. There is something about the combination of being able to look up at the sky, breathe in the fresh air and enjoy the sounds that is so appealing. I first started attending music festivals back in the Lollapalooza days and was immediately hooked (remember when those festivals first started?! It was such a big deal.) We used to throw a bunch of stuff in a car, hope that we remembered key things like tents and set off on an adventure. It was always a good time from beginning to end.

About 6 months ago, I received an email from a Festival organizer in Portugal asking if I would be open to being a couple’s therapist at their upcoming outdoor Festival. A million things raced through my head:

Yes!

No, I’m not ready.

Yes, how fun!

No, there’s no way I should do this.

Yes, how could I turn this down?!

No, there’s no way I can guide couples at a festival in Portugal?!

I eventually had a call with the organizer and told her that I was very flattered she sought me out and I needed her to walk me through what the festival was all about and what was expected of me. She dove right in and it felt like she had designed the festival just for me (and 30,000 other people!) because it’s theme is about the feminine, truth, growth, expansion and clarity. It’s a mixture of workshops, music, dancing, swimming and all the best things that festivals have to offer.

I sat on the opportunity for a few more days and eventually went back to my initial gut reaction:

Yes!

Now as I prepare for my trip, I’m thinking a lot about what I am going to teach and the guidance I am going to offer the couples looking to take their relationship to the next level.

One distinction I will be sharing is around listening, and how despite our best intentions, we often hear our partner but we don’t ‘listen’ to our partner.When you ‘hear’ someone, you are looking to agree or disagree with what they are saying. This is the typical way we listen to most people throughout our day and it’s not because we don’t care, it’s just the way we are wired. When you take time to listen, it means you are focusing far less on whether you agree or disagree and much more on what the person is saying, how they are saying it and what silent context does or doesn’t exist. This takes practice, time and focus. Luckily, the festival organizers are providing me with a pseudo-office under a tree with a couch and everything. This will be a focused area where couples can listen, not hear.

The Festival is in August so I will definitely be sharing more on this adventure mixing my passions of music festivals and helping build connection, so stay tuned!

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below. :)

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why You Should Find a Man Who Loves Your Butt

Last week I held an “Ask Me Anything About Men” event and those who were able to make it got a ton of their questions answered. As you know, I am committed to truth and authenticity whether you are searching for your partner or you are already in a relationship.

One event participant asked: How do I know if a guy is attracted to me?" 

My quick answer was:

Find a man who not only likes but LOVES your butt.

Find a man who not only likes but LOVES your butt.

I was met with a look of “huh?”

I then went on to explain that the difference between being with a man who loves your butt and one who just kind of likes your butt is night and day. When you are with the former, it gifts you with lots of freedom in self-expression and how you carry yourself. With the latter, there is this constant hamster wheel going through your head of “does my butt look too big? Does it wiggle too much? Does he notice that mark on my butt?” and so on and so on. It’s never-ending.

Then this participant enquired a bit further in asking: “But what if he is a legs or breast man, does he still have to love my butt?”

And my answer was, “Yes, absolutely. It doesn’t matter what body part preference he has, he still needs to love your butt.”

Over the years, I have had conversations with tons of men as well as happy couples that have further solidified this view. To be in a room full of men who are talking about women’s butts in a respectful way is actually really interesting.

Why?

Because every single man in the room has a different opinion on what the perfect butt looks like. They go into great detail covering every size and type of butt out there. They may even get into a semi-serious debate about it, but the point is, every man has a different opinion on what type of butt they like.

This is great news so right here and now, drop every single insecurity you have ever had about your butt! If you want to know more about this topic and many other (surprising) reasons men find you attractive, I recommend reading this book and celebrating your bod from head to toe: Making Sense of Men by Alison Armstrong

COACHING EXERCISE FOR YOU

Look for confirmation of this in your own life. Think of relationships you have been in or men you have dated and ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, how much did they love my butt? You could recall catching their eye quite a bit on your butt or things they may have said to you. Think about how you felt about yourself and how was your confidence level? Now contrast that with someone you dated who seemed indifferent or even not attracted to your butt. How was your confidence level with them?

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Living & Loving Authentically

When I committed to living a life of authenticity, I had this "there's no turning back" feeling. A part of me knew I was going to have to get a magnifying glass out and look at every aspect of my life to uncover what parts were built on heart-centered desire and what parts just existed in hopes for something better. What would my life look like if I were only doing things that authentically brought me joy?

One fantasy came to mind, well I would probably live in a tropical environment with an ocean front view, and work with an amazing virtual assistant who creates my day so there is an even balance between coaching my clients and self-care.

Naaaah, really?

And then I caught myself with what I know we can all relate to, a pile of reasons why that isn't possible. This is generally the standard process: Step 1: dream up your ultimate lifestyle, Step 2: list out all the reasons it's not possible.

So, I decided to make a choice and start phasing out Step 2. I started asking myself the big questions such as, "When I'm in my 90's, and I'm reflecting on my life, am I going to have a sense that I really lived life and followed my heart or am I going to have regrets?" For myself, I think it would be really hard to be at that age and wish I had been more authentic with my choices. This thought inspires me to tune in more to the voice of my heart.

Often when I am working with clients, I quickly find out there is fear in asking for what they want in a future partner because they don’t want to appear too picky or unrealistic. “Really Christine, you want me to think of what I want in a partner without any editing?!” Yes, yes I do. It’s my belief that if you don’t get honest with yourself and become accountable only to yourseIf right from the beginning, then you are essentially staying true to Step 2.

Here's the irony, when you are out interacting with others in the world and you meet someone who is being authentic and really following their dreams, isn't that completely and totally attractive?! And yet, we hold back for ourselves.

Have a look around and in the coming months, you will see more and more additions. As you know, my life has changed dramatically and it is paramount for my work to be completely aligned with who I am. I look forward to this journey with you.

I encourage you to contemplate the areas in your life where you are not honoring your truth. Don't make yourself right or wrong but simply become aware.

Are you listening to your heart above all other voices? What area of your life would you like to be more authentic? I would love to hear from you - please add in your comments below. :) 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Relationship Advice for Couples Who Never Fight

Yes, it’s true, there are couples who never fight and claim they do not have any relationship problems. You may have heard of these elusive couples and picture them happily agreeing about everything and in a constant state of joy. You may still remember a conversation you had long ago with a stranger, saying, “my husband and I never fight”.

How can a couple claim to “never fight?” Well it’s not as clear cut as that. Why? Two reasons are at play here:

One, people have different views on what is defined as “fighting”.

Two, if there are zero disagreements happening, then someone in the relationship is going without what they actually need. It’s an avoidance technique, really. It’s just easier to go without a particular need then to risk a fight asking for it.

Let’s look at reason One first. I was watching a cheesy reality show the other evening and the couple was posing for a photo. The photographer remarked that it would be easier if they’d stop arguing. The wife looked at her and said, “we’re not arguing, we never argue, we’re discussing”. The husband nodded in agreement. To myself and the photographer, they were definitely fighting or at the very least in a heated disagreement. I also know of another couple whom, the way they speak to each other on a daily basis is like one-long-argument. There’s no need to fight because the level of passive aggressiveness that is exchanged on a daily basis doesn’t leave room for it. These are two examples of couples who would say, “they never fight”.

Now let’s look at reason Two. There are couples who don’t fight but that is clearly not okay with one of them. Both men and women can relate to using the “Yes, Dear” approach to potential disagreements because it’s just easier. The problem is that deep down, every time they do this they are telling themselves that they are not worth speaking up for. This is no way to live, and yet it has become their go-to peace-keeping tool. No one wins in this situation and in fact, if you are too much of a yes-woman or a yes-man, it ultimately creates an even deeper issue in the relationship.

There are many couples therapists who would almost congratulate you on having a fight or fights. They agree it’s a good thing and is important to growth in a relationship. Many couples report actually feeling closer to their partner after a big fight because the process of repairing things highlighted needs that were previously overlooked.

In no way am I saying go out and pick a fight with your partner but I do believe healthy disagreements are a good thing. You each need to be reminded now and again where your own boundaries are, as well as your partner’s. You are individuals after all who likely became fully grown adults before you laid eyes on each other so it’s important to keep that person alive within the relationship.

There are no bonus points in the relationship world for being the couple who never fights. There is such a thing as healthy disagreements and a respectful resolution. If you stick to this form of negotiating rough waters in your relationship, you will always grow and feel respected.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Talk About Your Relationship Problems

You and your guy have a pretty good relationship. It’s not over-the-moon, call the movie director but you are, for the most part happy. Something that nags at you though, is the two of you have a terrible time working through your relationship problems when they arise. You’ve lost site as to what even constitutes a ‘healthy relationship’. You’re not sure if it’s time to start looking at couples therapy or marriage counselling or if you need to start on your own, building communication skills together.

Many couples have rarely had a discussion when something is bothering them in their relationship. They often say to me that more often than not, if there is a problem it becomes an argument, not a discussion.  If you are someone who wants to avoid arguments, well you are not going to bring up what is bothering you, right? Generally at least one of you in the relationship can relate to this statement.

Problems can also become buried in the form of creating distance or nagging but really at the root of it is the problem.  Take some time to think about that – what is it about his “distance” or your “nagging” that could be resolved by openly talking about what the actual “problem” is.

A wise friend of mine once said to me, “a complaint is a chicken with a need”. What she meant by this is behind every complaint in a relationship or otherwise, is a need. So instead of taking it at face value that this person is complaining and there’s nothing you can do, ask them what it is they think they ‘need’. This can be a very effective place to begin.

The best relationship advice I can give you on how to talk about your relationship problems is to first mutually decide on how you are going to approach things when a problem arises. This is half the battle. My suggestion for women is to say something like:

“I’m not mad and you are not in trouble but I’d like to talk to you about something that is bothering me. When is a good time?”

You see, men often feel attacked and in trouble when women are upset so it is best to get those fears out of the way so he can actually hear you and be present.

The two of you can mutually decide on when to sit down and discuss the problem. This has to be a time where there’s no distraction. Depending on the level of the problem, this could be 15 minutes or 2 hours so you will have to be the gauge of that and clear on what amount of time you are asking for.

HOW you approach creating an opportunity to discuss the problem will often dictate the success of the outcome.  If things quickly escalate between the two of you, this might very well be the step you are missing.

During your discussion, make a commitment to really hear each other and a commitment not do dismiss each other’s feelings. That’s incredibly insulting and can stop any progress in its tracks.

And lastly, don’t try to dive too deep into any one problem and expect it will be resolved the very first time you discuss it. This would be ideal but doesn’t often happen if it’s a problem that has existed for awhile. If it’s clear you need more time to discuss and resolve then make that the outcome of your first discussion, that you will chat about it again and set a date and time – not, “hopefully soon”.

I know this relationship advice will set you off on the right foot, creating the opportunity for the two of you to begin working on becoming better communicators. And communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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The Call For More Kindness In Relationships

This week I have been inspired by a few stories I’ve read about Random Acts of Kindness and even though the stories weren’t directly speaking of romantic relationships, it had me revisit how much we're in need of more kindness in relationships - especially romantic relationships. One was a photo of a friend receiving a surprise to-go cup of tea on her front porch because she was feeling under the weather. Her close friend dropped it off.

The other was a story out of Naples, Italy about “suspended coffees”. I think it’s a beautiful movement.

"We enter a little coffeehouse with a friend of mine and give our order. While we’re approaching our table two people come in and they go to the counter: ‘Five coffees, please. Two of them for us and three suspended’ They pay for their order, take the two and leave.

I ask my friend: “What are those ‘suspended’ coffees?” My friend: “Wait for it and you will see.” ... Some more people enter. Two girls ask for one coffee each, pay and go. The next order was for seven coffees and it was made by three lawyers - three for them and four ‘suspended’. While I still wonder what’s the deal with those ‘suspended’ coffees I enjoy the sunny weather and the beautiful view towards the square in front of the café. Suddenly a man dressed in shabby clothes who looks like a beggar comes in through the door and kindly asks ‘Do you have a suspended coffee ?’

It’s simple - people pay in advance for a coffee meant for someone who cannot afford a warm beverage. The tradition with the suspended coffees started in Naples, but it has spread all over the world and in some places you can order not only a suspended coffee, but also a sandwich or a whole meal.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have such cafés or even grocery stores in every town where the less fortunate will find hope and support ? If you own a business why don’t you offer it to your clients… I am sure many of them will like it." CLICK HERE TO READ THIS BEAUTIFUL STORY

Kindness in romantic relationships can be something we ironically overlook , especially when we are in ‘take mode’.  When we are upset or stressed, kindness is one of the last things we want to express. Why? Well some people believe expressing kindness can be mistaken for weakness. That’s why I say it’s ironic because somewhere along the lines of communication, the wires have been crossed and we believe we can get kindness without giving kindness.  That if we withhold kindness and consideration, somehow our partner will treat us with more kindness.

Since this doesn’t make sense, my advice is to ‘grease the kindness wheel’ in your relationship. Get it moving in more of a flow. First talk about the reasons you may be upset or stressed out and then each of you commit to showing more acts of kindness as a healthy maintenance on your relationship: Do a favor, send a loving text, drop off a surprise tea and see how things can change – even if it’s just a little bit.

Kindness is powerful. If it can make such a difference in a man who can’t afford a coffee, imagine the feel-good connection it can create between you and your partner?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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When you’ve hit a rough spot, does it always mean it’s over?

When it comes to hitting a rough spot, I’m sure we’ve all seen the photo of the older couple saying:

“We were born in a time when if something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away.”

And yes, it is inspiring however we tend to immediately wonder, “what are the different categories of broken?”.  How do I know if it’s broken-broken, or just needs to be tuned up? How do I know if it's more than just a rough spot?

I’ve learned a lot lately by observing couples who have been married for over 20 or 30 years. One couple commented, “sometimes you don’t just have bad days in marriage, you have bad years”. What?!

Another couple I know were living in the same house, sharing activities like meal times, family visits, country drives, etc  but were distant for many months, barely speaking because one of them had their feelings hurt. I was convinced the two of them were headed for the end but, they both came around, mended fences on their own and are in a romance-filled relationship again. They had been through this cycle before and it was almost like they were comfortable with it showing up again – fully knowing that given time, they would be back to normal.

There’s a saying I’ve heard therapists say: “The problem is not the problem” and I think it can, in a lot of cases, relate to relationships. Often times, we can get almost obsessive in analyzing our relationships that we forget to shift our focus to activities we love to do on our own. When a man or woman is feeling like something is a problem in their life and they can’t put a finger on it, the first scapegoat is to assume it is the relationship. It’s an easy target. Sometimes the reason things have gone wonky in your relationship is simply because you stopped going to your yoga classes or your guy has stopped checking in with his buddies on the weekends to play a game of soccer.

My advice is to start with the big picture to help in taking the magnifying glass off of your relationship. First, see what is missing in your life in general. Take some time to see if filling those needs over the next few weeks make a difference. Do some journaling on all the things that are bringing you frustration. Second, and once you feel a bit more life-balance, approach your partner with the lingering topics. If you don’t seem to be getting anywhere, it may be time to bring in a professional who can mediate and help point out gaps in your communication.

From there, it will be up to you to gauge whether it is broken or you are just in a normal part of the relationship cycle and need to be a bit more attentive to the tune ups. Everyone is going to be different but perhaps by following these steps, more clarity will shine through.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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We've Had 4 Dates And I Don't Feel Connected

Recently I was working with a male client who said to me: Him: I’ve been out on 4 dates with this girl and I don’t feel connected to her yet

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Well it just doesn’t feel like it did with my ex

Me: What did it feel like with your ex?

Him: Well it was super instant chemistry and we slept together on the second date. We were finishing each other’s sentences in the first week.

Me: And then what happened?

Him: Well we started fighting and then things got weird and then I was jealous and then she was bitchy, but we still sometimes had fun together.

Me: So you connected, got close really fast and then figured out you weren’t all that compatible?

Him: I guess so, kind of.

Me: So what you are experiencing with this new girl is a NEW kind of connecting. It’s never going to be exactly the same as you’ve experienced before but that does not mean it cannot lead to something great. The last girl you dated, things didn’t work out so you want to be extra open to things starting off differently. You may have not experienced this type of ‘slower connection’ before. Let me ask you this, “do you enjoy being with her, as in, when you sit next to her in the coffee shop or walk alongside her on the street, are you glad you are there?”

Him: Yes, and I also find myself thinking about her when she’s not there.

Me: This is good. Now all I want you to do moving forward, is just relax, be yourself and enjoy each other’s company. Essentially this is exactly what you want your potential relationship to be like years from now, “being relaxed, being yourself and enjoying each other’s company”. And at the end of your next date, ask yourself if you are looking forward to seeing her again or if you are curious to know more about her. That curiosity and comfort is really all you need for the beginning stages of a strong, healthy relationship.

Him: (a mixture of thank you’s and “will try this new approach”)

I often see this desire to have things start in the exact same way as the last relationship regardless of the outcome of the last relationship. People will say to me:

“The last guy I dated was for 6 months and the first night we met, we talked for like 4 hours straight.”

Or

“When I met my ex-girlfriend, she completely swept me off my feet in the first few minutes.”

We keep looking to repeat a “first meeting or first few dates scenario” that we already enjoyed or at the very least, are familiar with. And if this experience with a new person falls short of it, we somehow want to dismiss it and move on.

The problem is, when I study long-term successful relationships, there is not a direct correlation between how the first few dates were and how successful the relationship is. Some people had mixed first impressions, some people thought they had met a new ‘friend’, others were swept off their feet. All of these started differently but all of them continued into a long-term successful relationship.

So what I ask is that just because the guy or girl you are dating doesn’t feel exactly like the last girl or guy you were dating, don’t dismiss, be open. Give yourself and them time to open up in a new and possibly unexpected way. Of course, I have to say, this only applies if you are already, “being relaxed, being yourself and enjoying each others company”. Try it.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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When Is It Appropriate to Fart in Front of Your Partner?

I recently saw a video on YouTube that had me laughing, then giggling for hours afterwards. You guessed it, it's all about knowing when it's OK to fart in front of your partner. Feel free to watch it here:

When I took a breath from giggling like an 8 year old, I got thinking about how often we go out of our way to hide our farts from our dates or our partners.  How many stomach aches and “I need to get home now” fibs we tell to cover up the fact we actually just need to, as a friend of mine says, “go outside and dust the crops”.

So I’ve decided to go there. Yes, this blog is about farting in relationships (haha, I just giggled again).

Ahem.

So when do we break the barrier?

When is it completely okay to fart in front of the person you are dating?

It can cause massive embarrassment when you’re first starting to get to know someone and one of the following happens:

-        You fart when you use their bathroom which is unfortunately really, really quiet and very, very close to the other room where he or she is sitting.

-        You’re walking down the street with them, perhaps even holding hands, and you decide to just let a quick, hopefully silent one go, and well, it’s NOT.

-        You let one go while they are in the other room hoping it will go away by the time they return but, oh no, they’re back and your fart is still around

I think we can call this “accidentally breaking the barrier”. This accident can actually aid when the future barrier is broken, formally.

Everyone’s body and digestive systems are different so I don’t want to get into how to prevent gas (although there are some wonderful contributors in this magazine that can speak to that), but if you find yourself on a date and you’re feeling gassy, you have some options:

-        Spend a little extra time in the public bathroom and do some yoga moves in the stall. This is entirely possible – just check out YouTube for ‘wind removing poses’ and do them standing up. Just bending over and touching your toes for 30 seconds works too.

-        If possible, ‘go and get something from your car’ if you’re at their place.

-        If you’re really stuck, a friend of mine said: “I went into my bathroom, folded up a towel, put it on the edge of the tub and farted into it.” Sounds like it lessens the acoustics.

When it comes to ‘breaking the barrier’ in your more developed relationship, you could take the approach found in the YouTube link I shared, OR, you could just seriously laugh about it all. Give each other a bit of slack, create some mini-rules like ‘anything you do while you sleep doesn’t count’ and ‘you won’t let it rip when it’s inappropriate’ (like at the dinner table or during a serious/emotional conversation). Communicate about it – and create some humor around it. By all means, don’t put yourself through stomach torture and be one of those couples that is together for 10 years and has never farted in front of each other. Yes, I do know a couple that claims this but can you imagine how many unnecessary points of stress they endured because of it?

Farts seriously are funny. In fact a friend of mine once said to me, “farts and monkeys: whatever age you are, they will always be funny”.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Should I Tell My Current Partner When I Run Into An Ex?

Recently, I was having a conversation on the topic of "what happens when you run into an ex" – mainly a discussion around what the potential guidelines are. It’s confusing and filled with grey area but I’m going to suggest some navigational tools for you. The easiest way is to first take a typical relationship and divide it into stages.

In Stage 1, the ‘Get to Know You’ stage, you don’t want to mention if you ran into an ex.  And for the most part, the topic of your ex should seldom come up. It can cloud a blossoming relationship by needlessly dragging up drama that possibly existed in the past but doesn’t have a place in the future, UNLESS YOU PUT IT THERE. A new relationship is an opportunity for a fresh start, not an opportunity for you to air out grievances about your ex.  Even if you and your ex get along great, the topic of running into them still doesn’t have a place in Stage 1.

In Stage 2, where you’ve committed to each other exclusively, and are now officially in a ‘relationship’, trust and transparency are key ingredients.  This applies to all areas of your relationship; most importantly where feelings are involved.  Trust is built situation by situation. So let’s speak of a specific situation:  You are out with your friends celebrating a birthday and while ordering a drink, you spot your ex across the bar. The two of you had an amicable split but nonetheless, it’s been awhile since you were in the same room. You have a nice chat and catch up, don’t make any plans to chat again and go your separate ways. Fast forward to the next morning when you are having breakfast with your partner – do you bring it up? YES. You bring it up plain and simple, as though you were bringing up that you ran into one of their work colleagues. The reason I advise this is that, in this day and age, with FB and Instagram photos being posted everywhere and everyone sharing each other’s business freely, you don’t want to have that tagged photo of you talking to your ex showing up in your partner’s news feed. Now I know what you are thinking, “But Christine, no one was taking pictures”. That is not the point. The point is relationships are built on openness so if you are open about running into an ex, your partner is more likely to believe you are open about everything else. When you increase transparency, you are investing in the relationship, allowing trust to grow.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Your girlfriend doesn’t like your friends-who-are-girls

I recently watched a dating show on TV where the guy was trying to balance the needs of his best friend (a female) and his girlfriend. The girls didn’t like each other so, as you can guess, this just made things worse. He was being forced to decide between the two. Awkward…but  necessary. What do you do if your girlfriend doesn't like your friends? This is a common situation. A girl falls for a guy but not his friend(s) who are girls. I want to share some thoughts on how you can balance things when your girlfriend is not a fan of one of your friends.

First, have an open conversation involving a lot of listening on both parts. Ask questions like, “tell me specifically what it is that you don’t like about my friendship with X”. Kindly insist that the answer needs to go a lot deeper than, “I just don’t like X”. We are essentially looking for any sort of opportunity for you, as the person in the middle, to mend the fence – especially if it was perhaps a misunderstanding.

Second, take time for yourself to review what it is this particular friendship offers you. Is it healthy? Does your friend respect your girlfriend? Do you see yourself being friends with this person for a long time? What is it that she provides that your girlfriend doesn’t? You need to conclude if this friendship is valuable to you.

Third, talk with your girlfriend about how you want to respect both her needs and your own and that you’d like to find a way to meet in the middle. This is about an agreement, not a compromise where one person feels like they are giving in. Maybe all your girlfriend actually needs is for you to share with her like you share with your friend. This could be a wonderful opportunity to draw you even closer.

Usually the basis for a girl not liking her guy’s friend(s) is a lack of trust so understand this is the deeper issue going on. Either she doesn’t trust your friend or she doesn’t trust you. Either one definitely needs to be addressed for your relationship to realistically continue.

Also, respect that you are now in a relationship. What goes along with being in a healthy relationship is ‘shifting who you share with’. It means you do your best to now come to your girlfriend with stuff that’s on your mind, rather than confiding in your friends-who-are-girls. You wouldn’t want your girlfriend to be sharing on a deeper level with a male friend, right?

And, quite honestly, if the two girls don’t get along and there’s no hope of amends, you are just going to have to make a decision. Sneaking around is not an option and trying to keep both sides happy even though they are not a fan of each other will be exhausting and lame.

So start with an open conversation, apply my tips and good luck to you.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How you feel around him is more important than shared interests

Me: “You’re dating a new guy for about a month, right? Tell me, what do you like about him?”

Female Client: “Well, we both like running, he lives downtown, his parent’s have a cottage up North, he has a Bachelor’s Degree from the same University and we both have dogs”

Me:  “Okay, we’ll keep those interests in mind. So how do you feel about yourself when you are around him?”

Female Client: “I find that I’m definitely spending a lot more time worried about my weight and what I look like. He’s super fit and goes running like every morning.  He’s also really flirtatious so it makes me feel kinda self-conscious.”

Me: “When do you feel good, smart and completely yourself around him?”

Female Client: “Um, I don’t think I ever feel that way”

I witness a lot of singles getting really caught up in all the interests they have in common with the person they are dating, almost completely missing the importance of shared values.

“We’re both from the same town and our parent’s know each other”

“We’re in the same industry so we get each other”

Honestly, I’ve seen people get married just because they’re both from the same town! And they hold onto the belief it should work based on that one fact.

In many cases, shared values or how you “feel about yourself” around the other person seem to be a very distant second when it comes to requirements in a partner.

Many people have the basic values in common such as family, friends, religion, etc. but what I’m speaking of are the deeper values. These can be discovered by asking yourself these questions:

Does the person I’m dating inspire me?

Would I want more of this person and their traits in my children? (this is a biggie)

Are there traits that he/she has that I wish I had in myself?

These are very powerful questions and when answered honestly, are far better predictors of long-term happiness than “we both like to play sports”.

By all means, continue to find out what sorts of shared interests you have in common with the person you’re dating but pay much closer attention to shared values and how you FEEL about yourself around them.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Give The Gift Of (Sex Toy) Love

Wondering what to give your sweetie for Valentine’s Day? I’ve got some ideas for you.

Companies that provide sex toys are getting more and more focused on convenience and variety when marketing their products.

One such company is, www.spicysubscriptions.com. Through a subscription-based service, you receive monthly romantic surprises delivered right to your door. They include an assortment of Intimate Toys, Massage Oils, Sexy Lingerie, Romantic Fragrances and more! Shipping is Free and Discreet.

The ladies at Spicy Subscriptions recently sent me a sample box and it was so fun to get this very discreet package in the mail. Is this how boys have been receiving their nudey magazines all these years?! J

Upon opening the black, glossy box, I found pink tissue paper and a personalized note to me describing what I would find inside.

The fun begins with some Kissable Body Drizzle that smells just like you’ve walked into a cupcake bakery, yum. And then there was a Warming Body Massager which I think is a really cool idea – you heat it up in the microwave and voila, it glides smoothly over your whole body for a heated up massage. They promised me there would be a surprise from the 50 Shades book and it was the Ben Wa Balls you may have been hearing about. For a full description on these, you can visit their very helpful blog. The other things you’ll find in this particular box are various lubes, massage oils and even a “position of the month” card!

I think this is a fun way to keep things spicy and be surprised every single month with a new gift box!

Another company I recently heard about is focused on delivering specific items to your door within 1 hour. Think of dial-a-bottle but for sex toys. You can go online at any hour of the day and order your sex toys to be discreetly delivered: www.hotme.ca. Some of their busiest delivery times are Saturday afternoons once the kids have gone over to their friend’s place. Interesting!

So whether you’d like a fun, hand-picked, tissue wrapped gift delivered to your door once a month or it’s Saturday afternoon and you’d like to try a new gadget…now, there’s something for everyone.

And if you and your partner are just warming up to the idea of sex toys, I encourage you to read a recent blog post of mine.  Lots of good tips in there!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Are People In Your Life Always Misbehaving?

There is this assumption that men, teenagers, parents, etc. know the right thing to do and are purposely being difficult. Stop and pause on that.

Now think about this concept:

“What if no one is misbehaving?” You can ask yourself again, “what if no one is misbehaving?”

What if people always have a good reason for everything they do if we only just stopped to ask what it was, rather than always assuming they are doing something to hurt or disrespect us?

This way of thinking can lead to a lot less frustration and a lot more power.

Consider my friend Marnie. She invited her boyfriend over for lunch one day and she put a lot of effort into the details to make sure everything tasted great. He arrived a bit early and almost immediately turned his laptop on and began working from her dining room table. She was in the kitchen doing final preparations, getting increasingly upset because she felt totally disrespected. She burst out saying, “I invited you over for a nice lunch and you are just going to work on your computer the whole time!?” He looked up, kind of dazed, and said, “Oh……..honey, I wanted to get these emails out before we ate so we could have lunch without any interruptions.”

Upon reflection, she realized that her boyfriend was not misbehaving, his reason for going straight to his laptop was that he wanted to finish a project so that he could be fully present with Marnie during mealtime. She found this out by asking a question, rather than internalizing it and assuming he’s disrespecting her.

Consider that other people in your life are not mind-readers. It’s amazing how often we hope and think they are. Consider that people in your life are perfectly well-intended and are doing the best they can. If they are failing, it is only because they are not sure what is needed. In Marnie’s case, she wanted attention before and during lunch but her boyfriend had no idea she wanted this. A simple misunderstanding that was easily worked through.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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High Divorce Rates & Finding the Masculine/Feminine Balance

SUMMARY OF THE PROBLEM: With high divorce rates along with so many people we know openly admitting that the relationships they are in are either dysfunctional, abusive, unsupportive, manipulative, draining, or too demanding, we are in a relationship crisis unlike any other time in recorded history.  In fact, many young people, after looking at the failed marriages all around them, are opting to either put off marriage until they are in their late 30's or not to marry at all.

Dr. Ruthie Grant recently asked six critical thinking classes of approximately 300 students if they were in a functional, satisfying relationship with the opposite sex.  Not a single person raised a hand.  The prior semester, out of six similar classes, when she asked that same question,one lady out of all six classes raised her hand and this was her second marriage.  

Grant goes on to say, "it appears we are at a crossroad in human relationships. Men complain that too many women have become masculine, too independent and too distrustful of men, while women complain that too many men have become afraid of women; refuse or fail to give women the support they need; or have taken on feminine traits such as expecting the woman to take care of them financially; to pay when they go out on dates; to pursue the male; or to initiate within the relationship."

Answers may lie in looking at the out of control masculine principle in society today. Both sexes are often fighting for the masculine role! 

AND ADD THIS IN..

For the first time in human existence, women have now achieved equal power, respect and rights. They have the opportunity to hunt and gather, be the breadwinner and homemaker, provide and nurture. They are completely independent. And although they don’t need to have a relationship with a man for the reasons they used to, most women still want to have a relationship with a man.

Most men want to feel like a man by having the opportunity to provide for his woman, protect her, care for her, cherish her and love her. In a modern woman’s life, it is hard for a man to feel that sense of being needed.

Grant shares, "Nature always seeks to balance itself out.  With that in mind, a man whose masculine energy is too feminine, cannot hold on to a female whose feminine side is in balance; she will be naturally drawn to her polar opposite, a more masculine male.   By the same token, a male whose masculine energy is balanced, will be naturally repelled by a female whose masculine energy is dominating her femininity. "

So how do we find BALANCE?

Welcome in "THE AGE OF PARTNERSHIP"

For a healthy relationship to flourish, both masculine and feminine energies need to be present to balance things out.

Sure, there are relationships that can survive with only one energy present, however, they are often intense and short. It is often too mentally and emotionally exhausting.

It doesn’t matter which gender plays which role, because people and relationships are diverse, as long as both roles are present in a relationship at the same time. 

Solution: Fluidly go between masculine and feminine

a) These roles are not restricted to the gender itself, as not all men fulfill masculine roles and not all women fulfill feminine roles. Besides that, these roles are also not restricted by time or responsibilities. Just because you’re deemed as the ‘masculine’ one, it doesn’t mean you have to be masculine or that you have to do masculine tasks all the time.

b) Gender roles are meant to be fluid in a relationship. They should be able to evolve throughout the relationship and they may switch between both parties at any given time.

c) The key here is tolerance and a mutual desire to sustain and work for the relationship.

Recognize that the ROOT of suffering occurs when one person in the relationship is not getting his/her needs met.

A willingness to come out of denial and work together within an authentic, honest and accepting relationship is required to make relationships work, combined with an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

I've realized there is a lot more I can share on this topic so keep your eyes open for future posts!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Dating Myths - Part 1

I find that sometimes people are allowing their dating lives to be guided by myths. I've compiled the ones I have heard most often so if you are currently believing any of them, now is your chance to listen to my tough love and give these myths the boot! :) 1) Myth: I’m engaged in the dating scene because I have an online profile, I attend singles events, and I go on blind dates.

Fact: Going through the motions without any emotion does NOT mean you are “engaged in the dating scene.” For example, let’s say you go to a speed-dating or singles event, but during the car ride there, you’ve already decided that you’re not going to meet any interesting men. So, you allow this belief to guide your night and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When I used to host singles events, I would sometimes see women gather in a corner to talk about how there are no single men in their town. Meanwhile, another group of women who were open-minded and chose to focus on fun, were surrounded by men before the night was over. And yes, in some cases they were interested in the men romantically and in other cases they weren't, but they believed that they were already at the event and were committed to having a good time.

Another thought on this topic is I want you to pay attention to whether or not your friends are negatively influencing you? When you head out for a night with the girls, try to spend time with women who are optimistic and fans of men. Your ‘going out’ friends need to have more to offer than just being single. They need to be encouraging and have a healthy attitude. Even though we love our friends, sometimes their attitudes can hinder our success. It’s okay not to go out with some of your single friends if they bring down your mood.

2) Myth: Older men only want younger women.

Fact: This is simply not true. If an older man is only interested in dating younger women and that bothers you, then he’s not the man for you! Don’t waste time being frustrated by this. I’ve spoken with plenty of men who are interested in dating women their own age and in fact, many years of hosting singles events taught me that more often than not, men will choose the age category where they meet women their age (even if they can attend the younger group instead!). Besides, when a man is saying he wants a younger woman, often he is referring to wanting some youthful energy – not necessarily a young chronological age. I see many attractive and active women in their 50s and beyond. They make great partners to the right guys because they have fantastic attitudes and truly take care of themselves. They simply apply a lot of the principles from my book, The Art of Living a Flirtatious Life.  Relationships between an ‘older man and younger woman’ face their own unique struggles and it’s not all perfect. So, ladies please stop seeing this as an “issue” in our society that is hindering your dating success. Focus on the men who want to meet you exactly as you are today. If you keep going to the same bar or event and finding evidence of the ‘older man, younger woman’ pairings, go somewhere else!

3) Myth: Men who go to singles' events are losers

Fact: Many men are new to the area or have been out of the singles’ scene for a really long time. The fact they are making the effort to attend a singles’ event only means they are proactive and smart. Why not go to events where you know everyone is single and looking? Like any event, there will be people you warm up to and people you don’t. There will be people you would never date in a million years and people you find your self surprisingly attracted to. Men generally don't go in groups to singles events - they prefer the lone wolf approach. I guarantee if you keep an open mind and not focus only on the most attractive guy there, you will open yourself up to some great matches.

In my next article, I will give you even more Myths that we can boot. 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Are You The Mothering Type?

Are You The Mothering Type?  Okay, so you know yourself well enough to recognize that you have a tendency to mother the guys you date.

Some women mother because they honestly don't really know of another way of relating to men. They grew up in an environment, cultural or otherwise, where men were taken care of and that's just the way it was.

Other women mother because it's what originally got them attention with men and so they continue on with it.

And yet other women mother because they honestly like to help a guy get on his feet - find a job, get over an addiction, get a place, get his act in gear, whatever it is. They really want that often inaccessible movie-like feeling that THEY were the ones who turned this guy around when NOONE ELSE COULD!!

The problem with the "mothering tendencies" is that more often than not they are accompanied by a strong feeling of resentment. Being a supporter to someone has the potential of being a rewarding role BUT if it's not adequately appreciated, it feels terrible. You get wound up in the "potential" of this relationship, rather that the stark reality. You hope that if you just give enough, it will somehow naturally be reciprocated. You say to yourself, "he's such a good guy and I know if I just let him stay at my house one more month rent-free and I pay for his parking tickets, he will surely turn around and really appreciate me and we'll fall madly in love".

I'm a romantic but I'm also logical and know that in order for blissful love to occur, resentment cannot be present. It's that simple.

There is often lots going on in these types of relationships but if we focus just on the mothering + lack of appreciation = resentment equation, I can offer some guidance. First of all, remove the notion that if you just give more, you will be appreciated more. There is no correlation. Second, be a lot more vocal about your needs not being met - treat it as a discovery of self, "this is how I believe I deserve to be treated and I guess I haven't really been vocal about it". By being more vocal, you give people the opportunity to adjust their behavior. If you aren't vocal, well then you are asking people to read your mind and that's not going to go anywhere.

When all is said, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a mothering type, it is just the degree to which you express it. Just be aware when you feel yourself slipping into a bit of resentment and express what you need.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How To Jump-Start Your Single Life

How to Jump-Start Your Single Life

So you've made the decision, you're a good person, you have goals and direction, you have a loving heart and you want to share your life with someone else. There are so many theories out there that say love comes when you least expect it. This can be true to a certain point but I guarantee if you spend every night on the couch with the remote, love won't find you. So let's talk about getting proactive about your love-life or as I like to say "give fate a little nudge".

First you need to clean house. By this I mean put pictures of exes, cd's made by exes, clothes worn by exes and file them under g for garbage or put them in a box in the back of your storage, sealed with a nice piece of duct tape. New energy is going to have a tough time coming into your life if you listen to his mix cd everyday on the way to work, keep his toothbrush in your cabinet or keep his old t-shirt in your drawer. Purge it all! A lot of times, people don't realize their exes energies are still around even if it's been months or years since they broke up.

Okay, so now that things are cleared out, get a pen and paper and take some time to spell out your romantic vision. I know it may sound cheesy but until you write it down on paper, people are often not very clear on what they are looking for. Write down your ideal life you have with your partner 5 years from now. What are you doing? How are you feeling? What are his strengths? What are his weaknesses? Keep writing and re-writing until you can read it from beginning to end with butterflies in your belly.

Next is you want to tune into things in your life that maybe you've been doing alone. Have you been spending more time with the home-exercise DVD than at the gym on the treadmill? When's the last time you took your favorite book to the coffee shop instead of your bed? Start by taking some of your private activities and making them public. This is a good warm-up in getting yourself out there in an indirect way while still doing the things you love.

Next, make a goal to do at least one thing a week to improve your love life. These may include signing up for a speed-dating event, creating an online profile, accepting an invitation to play on a co-ed sports team, or improving on your appearance and confidence in some way - maybe that simply means switching conditioners.

Finally, accept all invitations. Yes that means all of them. If friends or co-workers ask you out, go. People say to me, "oh but I know everyone there" or "my friends don't have any hot single friends". I say, look beyond that! What about when you stop in to get gas on your way to the pub? Or you stop in to get flowers for a friend's housewarming? Who is that cutie in aisle 4? What if your friend's cousin just got off the phone with her single friend who is moving to town next week? When you are on the proactive and open path - situations arise - you just never know how, so try not to block them out.

And above all, resolve to look at the world as though there are an abundance of great guys out there rather than assuming it's slim-pickings. Switch it on and get out there!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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