Truths, Topics and Break Ups

Blame it on the millennial generation, or the technology that sometimes creates more space between people than it does bring them together, but there’s a problem with the way that people are breaking up. This one problem has led to a lot of cut and dry separations, unresolved relationship issues and even the new break up phenomenon, “ghosting.” Ghosting, for those of you who don’t already know, is the act of essentially disappearing from someone’s life. Instead of breaking up or discussing the reasons the relationship (or friendship) isn’t working, one or both people disappear out of the other’s life. The problem that I want to talk to you about today is how many people work to avoid certain truths, or entire topics, as a break up approaches – and even during the break up.

Recently I wrote about the idea of closure. More specifically, I wrote about how sometimes you’re forced to create your own closure because the other person isn’t willing, or sometimes able, to give it to you. Today’s blog post goes hand-in-hand with closure in a way. If more people felt more compelled to honour their relationship for what it was, even during a separation, I believe a whole lot more men and women would have a much easier time finding the closure they seek. Here are three critical steps to making that happen.

1. Know That There’s Power in Truth

People often avoid the truth to spare the feelings of the other person or themselves. Sometimes, it’s to avoid feelings of guilt. Other times, it’s simply to speed things up or keep things simple. For the most part, I understand why people fib, but, when this happens during very important times – such as a relationship argument or break up – it has major repercussions. Neither partner may truly get what they need to get out of the break up. Closure may become a lost cause. There could be ongoing hurt feelings. You get the idea.

I encourage you to acknowledge the power that exists in truth. Whether you seek it or share it, it’s a crucial element in closing one chapter of your life and beginning another. It can be difficult and trying, so I also encourage you to enter into all conversations with an open heart, empathy and a willingness to listen. Some opening words can be, "this is difficult for me to say (reveal truth)" or "It's not my intention to hurt you but (reveal truth)".

2. Keep all Topics on the Table

The specific topics people tend to avoid during break ups depend on the individual relationship. However, they all have one thing in common.That, my friend, is that the topic (or topics) of avoidance is usually the driving force behind the relationship’s failure. For some relationships, it’s the motivation – or lack thereof – that one or bother partners feels in life. Other times it’s fidelity, sex, money, family or a host of others.

While it can feel as though there’s no point in diving into the details as to why the relationship’s failing, since you intend on ending it anyways, it’s important to address the issue. If you don’t both understand why things are the way they are, or at least try to understand, you are more likely to wind up in the same situation again further down the road. It can be painful, difficult, uncomfortable and trying – but it’s absolutely worth it and necessary to truly process this major life decision. Keep all topics on the table.

3. Act With Your Future Self in Mind

We’re often told to live more in the moment, to seize the day and to not get so caught up in the “what will be” that we forget about the “what is.” While I absolutely agree with this way of thinking, often times the two versions of yourself intertwine themselves in life. A break up is a prime example of when this happens, because who you are now and the relationship you’re in will impact who you become and your future relationships – it’s up to you to decide if that impact will be positive or negative.

If you’re tempted to simply cut and run from your current relationship without seeking truth or discussing the driving issues, I urge you to think of your future self.  Ask yourself; will that version of you end up wishing you had talked it through? Allowing yourself to feel compassion for your soon-to-be former partner is another helpful tip I can offer you. Though at times, it can really be tough, the effect that compassion has on your mind and body is worth it. Even when it’s incredibly difficult, dig down and try to find empathy and compassion for the person you once loved. It’s an invaluable ability and strong way to move towards closure.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How Welcoming the New Year with Tidying Can Bring Love to Your Life

So often around New Year's we become completely focused on feeling like the only single person in a world that seems filled with couples. The unsolicited advice on why we haven't found someone yet doesn't help either. So given all of this, wouldn't it be nice to encourage a totally different approach to our love life as we welcome in the New Year? I truly believe it’s the perfect time to go within, create quiet space on your own and wind down a year… and then welcome a brand new one. Often when I work with clients, we "clear the clutter" in order to invite love into our lives. It’s an excellent opportunity to take care of the things in your life that are causing you stress in your world. Annnnd, hint, hint, what I'm really getting at here is when your "to do" list doesn't seem so gigantic, you are more likely to create time to make your love life a priority. :) 1) Clothes & Laundry

I know, you might be thinking, "Christine, really? Laundry?" It's about cleansing, so the first step I encourage you to do is take everything out of your closet and drawers and really look at it. Which pieces make you happy? Are there some things you might wear after a good dry clean? You want to get your closet to a place where you love everything so if you don't love it, give it away or prep it for consignment. This brings me to laundry, the consignment pile can be washed and prepped. With items that you want to keep, divide them into categories so that you don't have lots of duplicates or to just double check that everything fits well and is in good shape.

2) The Kitchen

Something as simple as reorganizing the kitchen cupboards can make way for a strong sense of lightness in a person’s life.  Feeling as though you have less to do when you arrive home at the end of the day will keep your chore list from weighing you down and will allow you to say, "Yes!" more easily to new opportunities! When making your way through your kitchen cupboards, be sure to only keep the items that you regularly use. Have you never, ever used a mixing bowl but can't bear to part with it? Commit to using it at least once a month. If a month later you still haven't used it, then it's time to reconsider. Another tip I once read about is to make sure that every single ingredient, dish and appliance is within reach. Everything in your kitchen should be easily accessible. If it isn't, you're surely not going to use it - now or in the future. Group items in your fridge that you don't use very often and try to keep them separate from the items you use regularly. And, dear friend, don't forget to tackle the freezer - a great place to let go of things we haven't felt inspired to use. Create space!

3) Purge What Doesn’t Bring You Joy

Marie Kondo, famed Japanense organizing consultant, regularly emphasizes the importance of discarding belongings that do not “spark joy.” As you walk through your home or make your way room to room, place your hands on every single item and ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?” If the answer is no, or if you can’t make up your mind, it’s time to say goodbye to that item. Wherever you live, there are donation centres that would jump at the chance to bring your items to someone in need. The items that no longer bring you joy or spark a true feeling of love will surely bring those feelings to someone else. Kondo advises to act quickly and swiftly and not let a friend or family member look through your “discard bags” as they’re likely to talk you out of cleansing all that you’ve chosen to. So many women have fallen in love with this method of choosing what stays and what goes, so why not you?

4) Make Getting Ready Exciting

You know that sense of excitement you get when you try on a new lipstick or get to wear a new dress or pair of jeans that make you look amazing? Bring that spectacular, “I look goooood” feeling to your every morning by creating a closet and “getting ready” space that works with you – instead of against you. A squished, messy and overfilled closet is much more likely to bring about feelings of anxiety than excitement. So, when you think about having to pick out an outfit for a date or find something to wear to grab a drink with friends, it’s no wonder you may be tempted to say “No, thanks.”

By cleansing your closet, drawers and “getting ready” area and allowing all of the items left to breathe and own their own space; you’ll make getting ready exciting again. You’ll rediscover your personal style and the clothing and beauty products that make you happiest.

5) Say Goodbye Without Guilt

Guilt is one of the strongest reasons we hold onto items from the past. Perhaps you bought a t-shirt or skirt that you’ve never worn. Does tossing it without having even worn it once make you feel guilty? Maybe your mother gave you a vase or dish that you know you’ll never use. But, does handing it over to someone else make you feel guilty for getting rid of something you received as a gift?

Guilt is not a reason to leave your home cluttered or to hold onto anything that doesn’t expressly bring you feelings of joy. Remind yourself that the things you no longer love (or perhaps never loved to begin with) will bring happiness and delight to someone else. And, dear friend, know that your happiness is so much more important than finding valuable storage space for something you neither love nor plan to use.

Doing these seemingly small but impactful things helps clear up space in your life, mind and heart so you won’t feel as bogged down as you start 2016. You’ll feel less inclined to decline a night out or weekend away because you took the time to focus your energy on you in order to set yourself up for success.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Get Closure… Without Getting Closure

Closure is something we often seek out after a friendship, relationship or life chapter comes to an end. When it comes to relationships, closure is important in order to process the separation and prepare to move forward with one’s life. However, with that being said, it’s often times one of the most difficult things to tackle – especially when an ex has little or no interest in attaining closure. Many women, and men alike, find it incredibly difficult to move forward without getting closure. We convince ourselves that once we get closure on our terms in a way that lives up to the picture and feeling we have created in our mind, it is then and only then we can move on. I wish it worked that way but so often it doesn't. That isn't a bad thing though. If we can accept that closure doesn't always happen in the way we want it to, there is freedom in that. When we put our life on hold waiting for closure to happen in a specific way, we ultimately end up just holding ourselves back from moving forward and finding new joy in life. An article I recent read described this prolonged limbo as “sitting with the meter running.” There comes a point when you simply have to say, “I’ve tried” and build your own closure with the understanding you’re simply notgoing to get it from your ex.

So, for those of us who need some form of closure to move on, how exactly do you create your own? Here are five thoughts to think on:

1. Allow Yourself to Be Sad

Allowing yourself to be sad about the relationship, friendship and life chapter that has ended is an uncomfortable and often painful step but it is necessary. Life as you once knew it has changed and will continue to change. Let yourself really feel these feelings before you move forward because if you don't feel them now, I can guarantee they will come up again in the future even stronger. It is perfectly normal to be both glad a relationship ended and sad it ended all at the same time. When people jump from being in a relationship to instantly celebrating its end, they never allow themselves to reflect on what they learned and how they may do things differently in their next relationship. Without this reflection time, I often see how it causes issues in their personal development and future relationships.

2. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Each relationship and breakup is unique and so are its issues. So, for some people, the concept of putting yourself in your ex’s shoes and truly allowing yourself to explore compassion for them may seem impossible. If you can do it, however, you may be surprised at this exercise’s effectiveness. Allowing yourself to see the situation from the other’s side may help answer some of the questions you’ve been juggling in your mind. Yes, again, it is hard to do but it can be a growth opportunity for you to see how anger and fear can be lessened by inviting compassion into your life. Compassion can set you free, I truly believe that.

3. Understand That You Won’t Understand Everything

You likely have many questions you feel have gone unanswered. They may include why, how and when. If you feel that you lack understanding of how you’ve got to where you are, but you can’t find answers in your ex, I encourage you to move forward without them. The reality is that, even if you have received some answers, you will always be able to think of new questions or question the integrity of the information that you dohave. This cycle of questioning, doubting and anger isn’t healthy or conducive to your healing process. I urge you to accept you may never understand absolutely everything and that is okay.

4. Encourage Yourself to Not Take it As an Attack

If you’ve actively sought closure from your ex and have been unsuccessful in getting it, it's likely not because your ex doesn’t want you to have it. Sometimes if an ex doesn’t feel that closure is necessary for them to move on, they assume it wouldn’t be necessary for you either. Other times, the ex feels as though talking through the problem will only perpetuate the issues and will lead to further, and prolonged, feelings of anger and hurt they are wanting to avoid. Exes refusing to cooperate in achieving closure could also be, in their own way, trying to avoid hurting you further. While your relationship styles may have been similar, the way you and your ex process the breakup could be wildly different. Don't take it personally, just recognize you are different.

5. Honour The Good

Instead of rereading every text message or scrolling through your ex’s social media trying to discern where things went wrong, take a breath and remember to honour the good that was in your relationship. Try to associate the relationship with positive things, such as your self-development or milestones you achieved while together. When you do move forward, it’s inevitable that you’ll think back to this time in your past. If you can think back to this relationship and recognize the good that came from it, you’ll be able to avoid reliving feelings of pain. The more you can separate yourself from the negative, the more easily you’ll be able to refocus on your life and living joyfully.

Recently I was reading a quote and the sentiment was, ironically we can use the seeking of closure to avoid closure. Sometimes there's a part of us that is holding us back from closure because that would mean it's really, truly over and we have to move on.

Yes, you should take time to mourn the loss. Yes, you should process the situation and, yes, you can achieve closure. But, don’t let yourself wait indefinitely for it. I recognize it can be scary to think that once you’ve processed everything the only step left is to move on. That is okay. Life is waiting for you to move on and is looking forward to you rejoining and finding new and different sources of happiness.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Being Too Laid Back and Just “Going With the Flow” Can Actually Be a Problem

Lately, I’ve noticed a theme with female clients. Really, it’s a theme that stretches far beyond my own clients and is becoming increasingly prevalent in today’s society. Many women, in and out of relationships, are striving to be seen as that calm, cool, “oh, that’s okay” person in the eyes of their significant other while compromising their true selves. The thing is, there's a danger that comes with being too laid back. Before we venture on further into this topic, I’d like to point out an important distinction that there are lots of people who really are, just naturally, very laid back and are perfectly satisfied with their lives and relationships. In this post, I'm speaking specifically about those who wish to be perceived that way at the cost of their own well-being. It's for the women who aim to be seen as always cool, always laid back and as just going with the flow – even when, inside, they know they’re sacrificing what their heart desires.

When I say I’ve noticed this theme as of late, I should note that I’ve especially noticed it amongst strong, independent women. After a day of killing it in the boardroom or jetting across the country for a speaking gig, they arrive home to their personal lives, leaving their opinion, needs and desires at the door. They want the man they are dating to say to their friends, "I'm dating this woman who is great, she's so laid back about everything" and then hear of how cool his friends think you are for that. I swear it sounds like I am taking this out of a page of the high school chronicles, but it's out there.

Why is this happening and what sort of effects can it have on a woman and her relationship?

This “laid back” and “go with the flow” type of attitude is near constantly encouraged in mainstream movies, television and literature. Think of the last time you watched a romantic comedy. It is generally the aloof, detached woman who captures his interest. Talk about mixed messages!! No wonder it's confusing.

Now, I’m not saying that women have decided to base how they behave in relationships off of romantic comedies, but I am trying to show you just one example of how this type of thinking has become so incredibly mainstream. Media has focused on the extremes.

The problem with trying not to ask for “too much,” and thereby not asking for what she truly needs or wants, is that dissatisfaction is sure to continue to build on the inside. If she rarely voices her needs or desires on the outside, there’s nowhere else for them to go. Naturally, this can lead to extreme resentment of her partner – even though her partner may have no idea she’s feeling this way. It’s a slippery slope and, while initially she may be trying to maintain a calm collective for the benefit of her partner, it can wind up hurting him and the relationship. I've actually seen this as a major cause of some break ups.

Another problem with this kind of behaviour is that it often goes hand-in-hand with completely ignoring major warning signs or big issues like money problems, infidelity, addiction, manipulation and the like. If a woman feels or believes that she’ll be better received, liked or appreciated by letting things go time and time again, bigger and bigger relationship issues can sneak through the cracks without the attention they need and deserve.

So, how does a woman in this situation find her way out of it?

Rebalancing in a new relationship may be easier, as you may have just recently met and there's room for you to shift a bit and shed old habits. In a long-term relationship or marriage, on the other hand, you may find it a bit more difficult expressing yourself and voicing your needs and desires. However, chances are you have history, rapport and trust that will help you and your partner navigate through you shedding your “too laid back” skin. Just be careful to avoid waking up one day and suddenly announcing you are not okay with all the things he thought were just fine. Approach the topic with the desire to build a stronger understanding.

Before doing anything, I encourage you to take a half hour to yourself and truly evaluate your current circumstances, decision making process and the way you interact with the opposite sex. Maybe he’s your new boyfriend, a guy you’ve gone on a couple of dates with or your long-term partner. Whatever your individual case may be, really think on it and allow yourself to recognize how and when you just say “OK” when you’re actually feeling something entirely different on the inside. Starting there will allow you to more clearly recognize the behaviour you wish to change and will help you find examples to share. Then, it’s up to you to step outside of the laid back comfort zone and express yourself. Start with really small things to build your confidence in becoming "laid back AND having your needs met/opinions heard". For example, if the fact you would really rather stay in with him this Friday night rather than go out, just say it or if you'd rather he didn't always reach for his phone during a romantic walk together, then express it. Come to think of it, if you haven't already, visit my homepage and download my Inspire Authentic Communication worksheet and audio. I assure you that your relationship, partner and self will be thankful you did.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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What Exactly Is Conscious Uncoupling and Where Did it Come From?

In the spring of 2014, Gwenyth Paltrow published a blog post to her website, Goop, that started the divorce discussion of a decade. As media picked up her announcement, and the unusual term, millions of people thought, “What is conscious uncoupling?” And, moreover, how is it different than a regular old divorce? To answer these questions, we have to look back at the creator of the now famous two words, Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Katherine created the concept of getting “un-married” when her very own marriage of ten years began to unfold. Her then husband, who she’s now amicably dubbed her “wasband,” was not only her partner in life for ten years but also the star subject of her relationship book. The subject matter of which was all about attracting true love and building a solid relationship.

Not only was she floored by her marriage heading to divorce (this would be her second divorce), but she couldn’t imagine going through the judgment of friends and family, people taking sides, one partner attacking the other or the overall shameful feelings that come with the idea of failure. She decided that this would not be a “traditional divorce” in the sense that society has grown accustomed to. It would be something more meaningful, loving and serene.

If you think of how most relationships end, it’s generally because one or both partners are at fault. They’re blamed with having done something – or not done something. Our instinct, as humans, is to identify the problem. When in a relationship nearing its end, partners tend to try to find the problem in the other. Katherine’s concept, on the other hand, encourages partners to acknowledge the larger issues and focus on moving forward. If it’s been decided that a relationship’s over, there’s no point in overanalyzing every action or word ever said in order to assign blame. What’s important is moving forward in the least damaging way, to both parties, possible.

Fundamentally, consciously uncoupling comes down to authentically appreciating the good in the relationship and working to ensure both partners are happy, ready and able to move forward in life and love. Where extended families or children are involved, it’s about continuing to foster a sense of family – even if there is no longer a relationship status or binding tie in the eyes of the law.

For most, the idea of witnessing – and actively taking part – in the undoing of a union is tragic. Even Katherine herself admits to being devastated and has been quick to acknowledge that she wouldn’t have considered her husband a “friend” during the divorce proceedings. Instead, she refers to their relationship as having had a “friendly atmosphere.”

If you’ve been through a divorce, are currently divorcing or are recently separated, it’s not too late to consciously uncouple. It can be done with both partners actively participating, or just one partner. At the end of the day, it’s all about how you feel about and approach the situation. Only you can control your feelings and actions, and you do have the power to begin again without anger, resentment and pain.

As it turns out, while Gwenyth was following the principles set forth by Woodward Thomas, it was Goop’s editor who titled the blog post “Conscious Uncoupling.” So while, in reality, Gwenyth was unfamiliar with Katherine’s work at the time that she wrote her blog post, her celebrity power has shed an incredibly bright light on the fundamental problems with divorce and, now, an increasingly more widely adapted alternative.

If you’re wondering how it could ever be possible to face divorce, and particularly the more difficult aspects, with such a positive mindset, you might find this quote enlightening:

“So much that was beautiful and so much that was hard to bear. Yet whenever I showed myself ready to bear it, the hard was directly transformed into the beautiful.” - Katherine Woodward Thomas, Consciously Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Say "Yes" to Love, Even if You Haven't Met Anyone Yet

One of the most common reasons people give as to why they stop dating or close themselves off from love is, “I just never seem to find anybody right for me.” Spending time and money on online dating, speed dating or even just the emotional spend of meeting people through friends or family can get old fast when you feel that it just “never works out.” If you feel this way, I want you to know that I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s in our nature to avoid doing something if we know it didn't work out last time around. But, should we really be treating finding love the same way we treat finding the right hobby or sport? You guessed it, friend. The answer is a resounding, "No!"

Something I talk about quite often is that, in love and life, it’s so incredibly important to keep an open mind and open heart. Lately, I find that I can't say it enough! While it might sound corny, I truly do believe that things happen for a reason – and always in their own time. There are some things that we simply can’t force, rush or make happen simply by planning. Love, and I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this, is one of those things.

So, how are you supposed to stay open to the idea of love when things haven’t been going your way? Why should you say “yes” to love if you feel that you never meet anyone right for you? These are both incredibly valid questions. In fact, they're the reasons I’m writing this post today. I want to give you some real, actionable ways that you can begin opening yourself up to the possibility of love starting today. I think you’ll find that when you open your mind and heart, that’s when the real magic starts to happen. So, let's jump into it!

1. Leave the Story in the Past, but Take the Lesson with You

Everyone, at some point, has experienced a bad relationship. It may have been romantic. It could have been a friendship. Or, it could even have been with a coworker. When it comes down to it, something went wrong and things didn’t turn out. What I really, really want you to do is to leave that negative experience in the past and not carry it with you on your journey forward.

While failed relationships can offer great opportunities for learning, it’s important that you recognize the learning for what it is and only take that forward in your life – and that you leave the rest in the past. It’s natural to want to protect yourself and to put up walls or barriers, but when you start building more and more of these walls you eventually become entirely closed off. And that makes it even harder for fantastic, new people to make their way into your life.

2. Be Ready for Love by Loving Yourself

I’ve written before about the concept of “like attracting like.” If you’re self-critical and so focused on all the reasons why someone else wouldn’t like you, you’re not opening yourself up to meeting someone – and certainly not allowing for a relationship to truly flourish. It’s been said time and time again, but you honestly do have to learn to love yourself before you’ll truly be comfortable putting yourself out there and saying “yes” to love with another person.

I’d encourage you to browse through some of my older posts to read the different ways you can foster greater self-acceptance and self-love. I believe you’ll find that when you are your happiest, most authentic self is when you’ll attract the right people into your life.

3. Give Yourself a Break

Something I know can be tough to deal with is societal pressure – and this absolutely includes pressure from friends and family. This "pressure" that I speak of may come in the form of them asking about why you’re single. It may come in the form of a comment like, “If you want a family then you better settle down soon!” These types of comments aren’t always meant to be hurtful. In fact, the people saying them usually have no idea the negative energy the words can carry. These types of thoughts have been engrained into people’s heads by way of societal pressure and what society defines as “normal.” The thing is, there is no real “normal.”

We live in a world that’s evolving faster than ever before. More women are building careers and working full time than ever before. Industries are changing, booming and collapsing at rapid speeds. People aren’t living in one place for all their lives and are traveling more than any previous generation. Everything, and I mean everything, is moving faster and in new and different ways and we're all just along for the thrilling ride. There are so many factors at play that didn’t exist in the past. And yet, for some reason, the expectation as to what a “societal norm” should be really hasn’t caught up. And, hey, that's really not a bad thing. Norms aren't a healthy, beneficial way of thinking - so let's leave that all in the past and push forward.

So, friend, I challenge you to kick any and all pressure you've been feeling to the curb. Rushing into a relationship with someone who may not be a truly genuine fit for you, just because you want to start a family by a certain age or tick things off of a "to do" list, likely isn’t going to fill your heart with joy in the long run. Given that we only have one life to live, I encourage you to give yourself a break. Just slow down, take a breath and allow yourself to make the most out of this crazy, incredible life you’ve been given. And when that true, overwhelming love finds its way into your life, the rest will fall into place from there.

4. When You Feel a Spark, Fan It!

The last point I want to share before I close off today’s post and let you return to your much-deserved weekend is that, when you feel a spark, you mustn't be afraid to fan it and see what happens. Don’t let yourself get caught up with what “might” happen – good or bad – and just go with it. We, as humans, tend to spend a lot of time over-thinking and analyzing things. What we need to remind ourselves to do, however, is to let go and really allow ourselves to experience and feel. So, I'm encouraging you to do just that!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Is the “7 Year Itch” Real… Not Just in Relationships but in Life?

There’s often talk about the “seven year itch.” The idea is that, when you’re in a relationship for seven years, you start to second-guess yourself at the seven-year mark. Maybe you begin itching for a change. Perhaps you’re compelled to re-evaluate your relationship (and yourself) with more scrutiny than before. While American data points to the seven year itch being quite real for American marriages, I’d like to discuss the possibility of the “itch” being more about one person and his or her life than the relationship as a whole. Let's look together to answer the question, "Is the 7 year itch real?" once and for all. Like I mentioned, American data (specifically the financial data compiled by Credit Donkey) shows a clear trend: the majority of divorces that happen in the USA actually occur in the eighth year of marriage. Then we have Rudolf Steiner, an Austrian philosopher, who created a theory in which humans physically and mentally change every seven years. If one person in a partnership is on a different, or even the same, seven-year development cycle, it makes sense that things may get a little rocky – especially when the changes happen to be large.

Now, friend, I’m absolutely not saying that every relationship and every marriage will become intolerable and result in divorce after seven years because we all know that’s not the case! What I am suggesting, however, is a need for both single people and people in relationships to better understand their personal growth, development and goals. This will help us not only better navigate through life, but it will make us better communicators and partners as well.

Speaking from personal experience, I can look back at my life so far and easily identify periods of change. And, you know what? They happen about every seven years. Who you are at 21, just coming out of your teenaged years, can be vastly different than who you are at 28 – just about ready to enter your 30s. Who you are at 35 is likely different, again, from who you are at 43. It’s natural and healthy to grow a little restless and to experience a change in your outlook and goals. Also, who you are at 21 vs 43 can be very similar but it might just look different. In my own life, I can definitely see that the quest for adventure was there at 21 and still is but it just looks different now.

Think of your immediate group of friends for a moment. It’s likely, much like I do, that you know at least one person who hates the idea of change – perhaps they’re even scared of it. They likely find great comfort in things staying exactly the same and waking up each and every day to the same routine. If, one day, they were to wake up and begin to crave great change, without even understanding why, I’m sure it would be unsettling. Their life perspective would shift, their relationships may become strained and their personality may evolve.

Now, think back to your group of friends – or even family members. Again, much like I can identify this personality trait, you likely know someone who regularly seeks change and grows restless extremely quickly. Perhaps this person doesn’t really know what they want and figures they won’t know ‘til it’s right in front of them. Perhaps they’re afraid of their life becoming “stagnant.” Whatever the case, imagine how this person may feel if they had a partner with a similar lust for constant change only to find, one day, that one of them now just wanted everything to slow down and settle. Naturally, it would create challenges.

What I recommend doing regularly, not just every seven years, is sitting down and really connecting with yourself. Ask yourself these questions:

“How happy are you...really?”

“What could you be doing to lead a happier, fuller life today?”

And, if you’re in a relationship, ask yourself these as well:

“Why do you love your partner?” (asking "Why" brings you closer to the positive feeling of all the reasons you chose your partner)

“How could you reinforce (or remind!) yourself and your partner the positive reasons you chose each other?”

"Can you identify the areas of growth and frame them as that, as opposed to seeing change as a negative?"

A strong understanding of not only who you are right now, but who your partner is as well, is necessary for success. But, you also need to leave a good amount of space for changing and evolving. Just as you’re not the same now as you were seven or fourteen years ago, it makes perfect sense that who you’ll be – single or as a partnership – is bound to change seven years from now. The key is being able to see the positive in that –the space for growth as a partnership instead of growing away from the partnership.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Gender Intelligence Needs to Replace Gender Stereotypes… Now

If I asked you to think of a common stereotype about females, I’m sure you could think of something in less than 10 seconds. The same can easily be said about stereotypes surrounding males. From a young age, harmful and relationship-impacting gender stereotypes are engrained into our minds and daily lives. Now, I do want to say that I see value in understanding the sexes separately. But more than that, I see incredible value (and so should you!) in understanding how they work together. This sort of genuine understanding of gender strengths and challenges is called Gender Intelligence… and dear friends; this is something the world needs so much more of. Whether it’s in the workplace, within a family dynamic or within a relationship – gender intelligence can help you better empathize, understand and grow. In this post I want to share with you three examples of why gender intelligence needs to replace gender stereotypes, as well as how it’s possible. Please, friends, read on!

Gender Stereotype #1: Females Live Their Lives Believing the Men Around Them Simply Don’t Listen

Romantic comedies and stories between friends alike constantly perpetuate this gender stereotype. Men are just “grown children” or “are incapable of listening”, right? Wrong. The truth is that how men listen differs from how women listen, and that in actuality they listen just as often but in that different way.

While women explore feelings and soak in the conversation in its entirety, men tend to listen to what they consider the most important points with the aim to develop their opinion. Men also tend to listen and speak more literally, whereas women tend to infer and speak more hypothetically, rhetorically and metaphorically.

Gender Stereotype #2: Men are Too Confident and Women Lack Self-Confidence

Think of the last time you expressed your opinion. Did you preface your statement by saying, “I am pretty sure” and did you possibly end it with, “But I’m not certain” or a similar statement? If you’re female, the likelihood is higher. This is because females tend to want to remain non-confrontational, even subconsciously, to foster a feeling of togetherness and safety. We don't set out to do this, but it's in our DNA to "keep the peace" when we are in our feminine. This is a good time to mention that women spend varying amounts of time in their masculine side vs. their feminine side. When men hear these types of statements, they can assume that the female lacks confidence or is not self-assured because if a man were to say those words, that's what they would think.

The reality is men tend to speak in more unilateral, literal and concise terms and females tend to maintain a group mentality. Both methods of communication are equally valuable. It’s important, however, to understand why females and males communicate differently in order to avoid confusion, hurt feelings and to really hear the conversation for what it is rather than how it’s being said.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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5 New Year's Resolution Ideas for Married Couples

The New Year is here and so are 365 more days and chances to live a happier, more fulfilling and more authentic life. For married couples, this sort of happiness often feels as though it depends on more than a single partner – it’s a joint effort to actively take steps towards improvement and happiness. In this post I’m sharing five New Year’s resolution ideas for married couples, so that you might be inspired to work together towards achieving something beautiful in 2015.

Couples Resolution 1: Do More Small Nice Things, Not Just on Special Days

This particular resolution is a highly effective one if you both vow to put in the work. You know how great you feel when you come home to the laundry put away or dinner ready on the table? Those small everyday acts of kindness have a much larger impact on your happiness and the health of your relationship.

This year, resolve to do more small nice things for one another – not just on birthdays, anniversaries or holidays! Putting away the dishes, doing the laundry, making the bed, cooking a meal or even pouring a glass of wine and putting on a movie are all small acts that will make you both feel more loved and happier.

Couples Resolution 2: Make More Physical Contact

Human touch is a transformative act, and I’m not just talking about sex. Holding your partner’s hand, giving them a neck massage after a long day at work, stroking their hair or even sitting with your hand on their leg are all physical acts of touch that aren’t necessarily sexual. Resolving to make more physical contact in 2015 will allow you to feel closer, communicate more regularly and feel a greater connection between the two of you. And yes, it will probably wind up encouraging you to spend more time in the bedroom…that brings us to the next resolution for couples!

Couples Resolution 3: Make Intimacy a Priority

A lack of physical intimacy in a romantic relationship can be incredibly harmful. Sex is a key component of a healthy adult marriage, and yet it often takes the back burner to a number of other things. This year, resolve to stop allowing long hours, fatigue or simply feeling “blah” to kibosh any possibility of physical intimacy. Many couples mind it helpful to schedule date nights and plan ahead, so don’t hesitate to do the same if busy schedules are often a problem.

Spending more time in the bedroom with your partner can lead to a stronger bond, increased individual confidence, heightened communication and a long-lasting bond between the two of you. Allowing yourself to sit on the couch and feel stressed after a long day at work offers none of the above benefits!

Couples Resolution 4: Argue More Effectively

Let’s be honest, all couples have arguments from time to time. It’s a natural part of partnership and can actually lead to a stronger relationship. However, how you argue makes all the difference and doing it the wrong way can have serious negative impacts on both you and your partner. This year, make arguing more effectively a priority – or communicating more effectively overall – and watch your relationship blossom.

When communicating, avoid playing the blame game. Use terms like, “I feel” and “When you X, I feel Y” instead of accusatory language – something I wrote about recently and encourage you to read more on. Practicing active listening and nipping problems in the bud instead of allowing them to fester will have you remembering 2015 as a very good year.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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4 Ways to Communicate Better in Your Relationship

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship, whether it is romantic or otherwise. The most powerful and successful Directors and Managers are those with solid communicative abilities. So, it makes a lot of sense that if strong communication can keep a Fortune 500 company running smoothly it should certainly be able to keep two people in a relationship running smoothly. Yet, it’s not always so easy. In today’s post, I want to share four ways to communicate better in your relationship that will help you get your point across without causing an argument, listen to what your partner is really trying to tell you and build a stronger relationship than ever before. I hope that as you read through these points you find ways that you might be able to work them into your own relationship and everyday life.

1. Know That Timing is Everything

When it comes to discussing anything, you need to know that timing is everything. Whether the conversation you’re hoping to have is good or bad, the right time and setting is paramount to the conversation’s success.

For example, if you want to tell your partner about how you don’t feel that you’re getting as much attention lately, you should both be at home with full bellies and should have the right amount of time set aside to discuss. Bringing up a subject that has the potential to leave one partner feeling hurt isn’t a good idea before dinner when you’ve both just gotten home from work and are probably hungry and more prone to irritability.

2. Try to Listen More Than You Speak

This one’s not always so easy to employ because, chances are, one of you is the more communicative one in the relationship and the other is more of the listener. But, taking the time to actively listen to your partner (even when you’re not having a serious discussion) will tell you so much about how they are thinking and feeling.

Truly listening and hearing your partner when they speak will help you give them what they need and, in turn, will result in them being more willing and able to give you what you need. Listening can be difficult, especially when you feel as though your opinion is the right opinion or that your partner is in the wrong, but it’s a method worth practicing.

3. Communicate the Good Stuff More Than the Bad Stuff

Do you remember the last time you had a discussion longer than five minute about something good? Or, do you only remember the last long discussion you had because it was about something that was bothering you or your partner and the talk rolled on and on? It’s important to take time to communicate the good things in your everyday life.

For example, thank your partner for making the bed or unloading the dishwasher. Take five or ten minutes to tell them how you really appreciate them and ask about what they’ve been working towards accomplishing at work. Allowing your relationship to have room for positive exchange is a healthy relationship necessity.

4. Never Go to Bed Angry

This is a piece of advice shared by nearly everyone’s grandparents at some point in life. But, it’s one of the truest pieces of advice around. It’s unhealthy to allow yourself to stew in anger, frustration and upset. Plus, going to bed angry can result in bad dreams and un-restful sleep, both of which only set you up to feel even crummier in the morning.

Try your best to work things out before hitting the hay. Use language like, “I feel” instead of “You are” or “You act”. If you’re both committed to overcoming the obstacle and communicating your way back to your healthy, happy selves then you’ll be able to achieve just that.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How you relate to fear shapes the quality of your life

Christine Hart and Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love

A few weeks ago I attended a workshop with one of my faves, Mastin Kipp of the Daily Love. He’s recently published a book called Growing into Grace and I’m looking forward to diving in this weekend.

When striving to follow your truth, inevitably fear comes up over and over. Am I doing the right thing? What if this doesn’t work? What if I make a fool of myself? Is this too risky? Mastin gave us a brilliant acronym associated with the word FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

We know that fear is our brain’s way of keeping us safe so of course, it makes sense that our brains have become masters of even creating evidence to back up their claims. It’s almost like our brain is a well-resourced lawyer ready for a strong debate at any given moment. ☺

So since we know that this is typical behavior of our brain, how can we adjust it? Mastin suggests that:

How you relate to fear shapes the quality of your life

He went on to explain that our relationship to each fear determines the type of fear it is.

Huh?

More specifically:

Excitement is fear with POSITIVE energy Anxiety is fear with NEGATIVE energy

This means that once we acknowledge what our fear is, we can choose if we are going to create excitement OR anxiety around it. I think this is pretty awesome and allows us to get back in the driver’s seat of our brains, rather than being a hopeful passenger.

For example: let’s say you are in a relationship right now with someone that you care deeply about but you’re almost positive they are not the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with. You may default to anxiety, negative based fear and not break up with the person because you fear being alone. The other choice would be to place excitement and positive energy around the fear and see it as the right decision to free yourself up for a more suited relationship. In both cases, you are fully acknowledging the fear but you are choosing what energy you are going to give it.

COACHING EXERCISE FOR YOU

Name two fears you have. They could be about work, relationships, fitness, life purpose, whatever you like. Be real with yourself and identify if positive or negative energy surrounds it. Now look to see if you can switch them to positive energy. Notice how this opens things up. You might be inspired to set some new goals once you see that FEAR as False Evidence Appearing Real.

Let me know what you discover by sharing in the comments below!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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PS Make sure to follow me on Instagram for daily inspiration and more exciting photos from workshops and events! :)

We all have fears, both men and women...

Want more inspiration? Follow me on Pinterest!

This past weekend I attended a workshop that was all about helping men understand women and women understand themselves. As you can imagine, it was a fascinating weekend! There were several moments over the two days that a point of revelation occurred in the room where at the exact same time, the men experienced a “Really?? That is what it’s like to be a woman?!” and the women felt “wow, it’s not just me, I finally feel understood” One of these moments was when we were discussing the topic of Physical safety. We started with the men talking about a time in their life where they felt physically at risk. Some of their examples went back 10 or 20 years such as:

“I was riding my motorbike along the highway in a snowstorm and a big semi-truck passed me, blowing so much snow I couldn’t see a thing”

“I was camping alone deep in the woods and got lost in an area that is well known for bears”

“I was skydiving with my son for the first time and freaked right out!”

The women all listened and could understand these fears. When it was time for the women to share, it was a completely different story. I won’t share all the details for they are intimately related to the whole experience of the weekend but what I can say is that the men were completely stunned and had their view of women totally altered.

These are some of the beautiful things that can happen in an open, safe environment where men and women are there to learn more about each other, as opposed to sounding off with one another in a He Said/She Said battle like many other events. To think that some men took planes and stayed in hotels, all in an effort to understand the women in their life better, whether it be in their relationships, their daughters or co-workers was really touching.

We moved the conversation into other areas of safety, not just physical and how so much of it is tied back to our caveman/cavewomen days. We can’t forget that those burly, grunting men and women are all locked in our current DNA!

This question was raised by a man:

“Why is it that when my wife asks me to go to the grocery store to pick something up, she gets so specific with details? Does she think I’m stupid? It makes me feel that way.”

The workshop leader gave a fascinating response by going back to our cavewoman days and how we are acting on instinct in those situations. You see, if the cavewoman went out into the meadow and picked the orange berries that were close to the ground as opposed to the orangey-red berries that were close to the top of the bush, the entire tribe would parish! This is serious stuff and why women feel the need to provide an overabundance of detail in many situations.

Interesting, heh?!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Men Crave Appreciation and How to Honour That

Last week I shared with you how criticism is experienced differently for the masculine and feminine. In much the same way, appreciation has a very different impact on the masculine than it does on the feminine.

It’s not to say that women don’t enjoy receiving appreciation, it’s just that the impact it has on men is HUGE and it’s sometimes overlooked or forgotten.

For the feminine, appreciation makes a woman feel safe to be herself.

Women will generally spend time with people that value and appreciate who they are in order to affirm their sense of worth.

For the masculine, appreciation is fuel.

As women, we think that we have unlimited energy, so we don’t pay any attention to where or how that energy is spent.

But men are obsessed with how their energy is spent!

A man will actually do the math in his head about where and how he’s going to divide his energy.

Appreciation is the fuel that energizes a man. Opportunities that yield appreciation are where he will head first.

The more often a man receives appreciation, the more energy he has to spend.

Ask a man what makes him feel appreciated and see what he says.

You’ll notice that a man will use the words support and appreciation interchangeably because to them it’s the same quality in a woman.

When a woman expresses her appreciation for the man in her life she is literally giving him power – the power to be more of what she wants and ultimately a man that feels better about himself. Win-Win

Some women think that if they withhold appreciation from a man that he will work harder for it. This couldn’t be further from the truth and has the opposite than desired effect.

Appreciation puts fuel in a man’s tank so if you want the men in your life to have more energy for their relationship with you, try giving them a little more appreciation and see what happens!

I’d love to hear what happens when you try this so be sure to share your experience with me in the comments below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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New Relationship Advice You Won’t Want To Skip

Are you longing to be in a committed long-term relationship, but never seem to be able to get past the 3-month mark with any man? Do you look at couple’s that have been married for years and wonder how they managed to keep their relationship together for so long?

Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a new relationship, everything is exciting and fresh, and you get butterflies in your stomach just thinking about seeing your new sweetheart?

But then something happens and things begin to shift. Over time you start to notice that instead of feeling giddy and excited about seeing your new love, you’re energy and attention slowly becomes focused on how to get more love

You know what I’m talking about. It starts with you wondering where this new relationship is going. You start thinking over and over in your mind how you want things to progress. Before you know it, you’re spending all your time thinking about your ‘possible’ future with this person, and you’re no longer enjoying the present moments that you actually have with them.

My advice to anyone in a new relationship is to enjoy the present moment, because all relationships are made up of moments Moments of laughter and joy, and moments of intimacy and connection are what build our relationships. Over time these moments, when strung together, form the foundation of a deep and lasting love.

So often we’re in such a hurry to get to where we think we want to be in our new relationship, that we lose sight of the pleasure and possibilities that are present in the moment we are in right now. How your relationship appears right now, might not be what you envision the relationship you desire to look like, but trying to get to some imaginary destination of what you think your relationship should be can snuff out the tiniest bit of potential in even the best of relationships.

So what can we do?

When looking to cultivate a new relationship into a committed partnership, it’s always wise to focus first on improving yourself, then on improving the relationship If you’re not happy with yourself, with your life, as it is, with or without a partner, then every new relationship regardless of it’s potential will be imbued with the dissatisfaction that you’re feeling with yourself and your own life.

Often we misinterpret discontent in our lives as stemming from our needs not being met in our relationships, when in fact, nothing could be further from truth. More often than not, we enter into our relationships with the expectation that the other person will provide us with everything that we are unable or unwilling to provide for ourselves. And that’s both a heavy and very unrealistic expectation to place on anyone.

In any relationship there will always be a balancing act of both people seeking to have their needs met. In most new relationships, one person is often ready to move forward before the other and this becomes of tipping point for how well you will fair as a couple. If you can navigate the apparent obstacle of both people progressing at varying speeds toward a common goal then the relationship is likely to continue.

My advice for any relationship, not just a new relationship, is to always make the needs of the relationship itself a priority over either person’s individual needs. When I am working with couples, this is where we often begin and discover that the actual relationship is starving! So we can ask ourselves, what does the relationship need in this moment in order to survive this apparent impasse? How can we work together to strengthen the foundation of our relationship? And ultimately, am I willing to place the needs of the relationship over my own personal desires in this moment, in order to keep moving forward with this person in my life?

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How Small Comments Can Have Big Impact

One thing that women are really good at doing is changing, and in large part, our motivation to change comes from perceived criticism by those around us. Have you ever been told by a boyfriend that he didn’t like your absolute favorite shirt?

As much as you may have loved that shirt, most women would at least stop wearing it around him.

Why? Because for a woman our instinct is to adapt, and we view criticism as the invitation to do so…even if we reluctantly change, we often still change.

The masculine responds differently though.

Try to recall the last time that you criticized a man. Did he change his behavior right away? Likely not, and herein lies another difference between men and women.

As a woman, because we react to criticism in one way, we think that when we criticize a man he’ll react in the same way, by changing.

But guess what? He doesn’t.

He doesn’t change his behavior because he evaluates information in a totally different way than you do.

In the past, a woman’s very survival depended on her ability to adapt to constantly changing circumstances, so naturally we’ve become quite good at this.

A man will take your criticism and then evaluate whether or not there is any truth to it before ever acting on it.

And honestly, he may never act on it, because he may not see the effort required to change as worth the pay off.

But don’t worry, not all hope is lost!

What a man truly does respond to is your ability to appreciate him for who he is. We’ll learn more about how that is woven in and out of criticism.

In next weeks blog I’ll show you how you can give your man the appreciation he really wants and why your appreciation has the power to transform the way you relate to one another.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Attract Men & Understand How to Harness the Power

Have you ever wondered why some women just seem to know how to attract men? Why it seems so easy and effortless for them, and why men just love being around them? It’s really not all that complicated to figure out what attracts men. You just need to know a little bit about the difference between masculine and feminine energy.

Just like a magnet requires both a positive and a negative polarity, in order to attract men, a woman needs to be able to provide what a man is missing. That missing thing that every man needs is feminine energy, and lucky for you, as a woman you have that in ample supply.

All women do.

In today’s world the distinction between masculine and feminine energy has become a lot less clear though. Our roles in society have changed considerably from even just 50 years ago.

Think about the classic Leave It To Beaver stereotype from the 50’s with June Cleaver, the queen of domestic bliss being the symbol of what it meant to be a woman. In that model, what attracted a man was a woman at home cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the home front while he went off to work.

We've come a long way since then and while June Cleaver may not seem very sexy or appealing to you as a woman, she did embody feminine energy in a lot of ways and it is worth looking at. To start with, she allowed herself to be taken care of by Ward, her husband. I don’t just mean financially either, she allowed him to be in control of various things when she’d say things like, ‘ Whatever you think is best Ward.’

By differing to him to "just take care of some decisions", she conveyed her trust in his judgment of the situation and allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to know that he would not do anything intentionally to hurt her or the boys. By being vulnerable, she could spend more time in her feminine, knowing that things were being taken care of. In no way was she unable to make the exact same decisions but the complaint I get from so many women unfortunately is, "I wish he would just take care of it so that I don't have to do everything!"

Now contrast that relationship of 50 years ago with one of today. So many of us women are building careers and being powerful in our work life and too often, this “take charge” attitude seeps into our relationships. We end up managing both home and work life with little room for femininity. We don't mean to and in our quiet moments, we often wish we could just defer to someone to "handle it". We truly want to rock that boardroom but be able to come home and be swept up by our man.

Think about how you go through your day and notice what you’re energy feels like when you’re working. Does it feel the same or different as when you are around men in a romantic context?

For many of us, we spend our time striving to attain goals or meet deadlines and when the workday ends we forgot to stop striving. So we go out on a date or we go home to our husbands and we’re still in strive mode.

What really attracts men is to be in swept up by your feminine energy.

He’s spent all day dealing with other men and being in his masculine energy, and he wants nothing more than to experience the refreshing change of scenery that being with you in your relaxed, colorful feminine energy provides. And the good news for you is that allowing yourself to step into your femininity is one hundred times more relaxing than trying to relax in your masculine energy.

Try this little experiment to see what I mean and watch what happens.

The next time you’re out on a date or with your husband, just try simply listening while he shares about his day.

Ask him how his day was and then just listen. Be yourself but the key here is that you are just listening.

Now before you think this is some sort of archaic backward approach, know that it’s intention is purely a chance for you to step out of action mode and into response mode. It’s an opportunity for you to step into your femininity and also an opportunity for the man who is sharing to actually get all his thoughts out. And not to worry, you can easily reverse this by asking him to "just listen" which creates the exact same opportunity for you to step into your feminine. (something that is very important but impossible when both the man and woman are in masculine, action mode)

You want to know what attracts men?

Believe me, one of the biggest gifts you can give to a man (and yourself!) is the gift of your feminine energy. Try it and see for yourself.

Let me know how it goes!

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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It Feels Like My Feelings Are Not Being Respected

Have you ever asked a man how he felt about something only to have him respond with the words, ‘I don’t know enough to have an opinion’? To a woman this sort of response is crazy making because we just don’t understand how a man could not know how he feels about something.

As women, we’re guided by feeling; we’re motivated to action by feeling.

Overwhelmingly though, men do not trust feelings as something to act on.

In fact, men do not always trust people who act based solely on feelings.

For many men, ‘having a grip’ on their feelings is a hallmark of their character.

A man screens information and evaluates it before he moves forward.

A woman only needs to be in touch with her feelings to form an opinion.

A woman’s opinions can change as often as her feelings, but for a man, his opinions are very much a part of his sense of self.

And make no mistake; a man will defend his opinions to the death!

Can you recall a time when you found yourself attracted to a man and were listening intently to every word he said?

Part of that listening was you trying to determine whether or not you agreed with his opinions.

Think about it, when you agree with a man’s opinions you feel closer to him. When you disagree though, there is a feeling of distance that is created between you.

And women hate feeling distance because it makes us feel alienated. We want to feel close and cozy.

On a very basic level, a man’s relationship to communication is that of a warrior. And how does a warrior communicate? He conceals information, because he needs to be able to rely on the element of surprise.

The good news is, any time a man speaks his opinion, he’s actually unknowingly revealing himself to you.

In that willingness to just listen I think you’ll find that he just processes and shares information differently.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Oh I Don’t Care, Wherever You Like Is Fine

As a woman, you no longer need to rely on a man to go out and hunt for your food or to protect you from wooly mammoths, but did you know that a man’s instinct is still to protect you and to provide for you in whatever way he can? While our roles in society now are much more fluid than they were in tribal society, both men and women have instinctual urges that can be seen in the way that we relate to one another

Historically, a women’s survival depended largely on her relationship to a man, and more specifically, her ability to please him.

And while that may no longer be the case, a woman’s instinct is a strong driving factor behind how she behaves in her romantic relationships.

In much the same way, a man instinctively wants to provide for and protect the women he loves. He may not go out on the hunt for, but he certainly does want to take care of you.

Here’s an example.

When a man is walking down the street with a woman that he feels compelled to protect, he will often walk on whichever side of her is closest to the street.

It’s a small thing, and one that most women would not likely notice, but for a man this is an instinctive act of protection.

This is his way of keeping you safe and out of harm’s way.

For a woman, her instinct may arise when she is asked by a man where she’d like to go out for dinner.

How often have you been asked this question and then promptly answered, ‘Oh, I don’t care. Whatever you’d like is fine.’

This is a classic example of how we, as women, operate from our instinctive supporter/adapter mode of being.

But guess what? He’s asking you what you want because HE wants to provide for you.

He wants to make you HAPPY.

So while you’re busy trying to please him, he’s busy trying to figure out how to give you what you want – but you won’t tell him![

So ]2the next time a man asks you where you’d like to go for dinner, watch how quick you are to respond and see if you can pause and just take a breath.

Then instead of saying it doesn’t matter, trust that he’s asking you because he really does want to know what would make you happy, and then tell him where you’d like to go.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Women Are the Velcro of the Universe

One of the problems that women have with men is that when a man is busy doing something, he disconnects – and we give meaning to that by thinking he is disconnecting from us. We don’t know that’s what a single focused person, a hunter, does.

As women, we’re gatherers, otherwise known as the Velcro of the universe.

We’re used to being the ones that hold everything together. Whereas a hunter will remain focused, because he always has a result to produce.

Think about how different having a conversation with your girlfriend is compared to talking to your dad or your brother.

When a woman reaches out to one of her friends to talk, she’s looking to share, to be heard, and to process her feelings.

What a man hears when a woman opens up to him though, is that there’s a problem and it’s his job to fix it. See, single focus + task = result to produce.

So how does all this make us, the women of the world, the Velcro that holds it all together?

Because a woman’s job within the tribe was to hold it all together while the men were off on the hunt, she developed the skill to be the glue, or Velcro.

And because a man is single focused, when he’s finished with one task, he needs time to transition before moving on to the next task.

Here’s a scenario that might sound familiar, either because it’s happened to you, or because you’re witnessed it with your friends or maybe even your parents.

A man comes home from work and he wants to know what he’d like for dinner, when he wants to eat, and if he picked up the dry cleaning.

And his response - is silence.

As the Velcro of the Universe, the woman had it all covered, but the man is focused on only one thing at a time. In the Attract An Amazing Man Tele-series, I’ll share exactly what he needs before he can be available to her, or anything else that needs his attention.

Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself and see.

The next time you want something from a man, any man, watch and wait until he is finished with whatever task he might be focused on.

Then give him just a little bit more time, and when he’s ready to be available for you, he’ll let you know.

Of course as women, this can be much more difficult than we’d like. Because we’re so accustomed to doing ten things at once, we get frustrated when the men around don’t do the same thing.

And that’s where our trouble begins.

We make him just being who he is wrong, because he isn’t like us.

But seriously, do you really want to date or be in a relationship with someone just like you? No, of course you don’t.

Both men and women are looking to one another to find that balance that only the opposite sex can provide. That’s why just being yourself is all you need to do, to attract an amazing man.

But, and this is the key – you also have to be willing to allow him to just be himself as well.

Next week I’m going to take this one step further and shed some more light on how men and women communicate differently.

Want to get even more insight and understanding on how to attract and amazing man? I guarantee you’ll love my new soon to be released live tele-series. Click on the link below to find out more.

See you next week!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
Click Here to Get Your FREE DATE COACH STARTER KIT!

My Experience as a Couple's Therapist

In my little beehive creating connection

I promised to share some details about being a Couple’s Therapist at the festival in Portugal so here goes!

But first, did you complete your coaching exercise from last week? Just checking. :)

It took me a bit to locate where I was to meet the organizer in this mini-city but once I finally did, we were both very excited to have the Skype talks now be in real life! Each day in the area called “Liminal Village” had a different theme and I was going to be a part of the day they had themed:

Love, Pleasure and the Feminine

(when she told me this, I think my heart did an actual leap of joy as these are some of my favorite topics)

When the day came, I was standing at the back of the room during one of the first lectures when all of a sudden I was introduced to all 1000 people at once as “The Couple’s Therapist from Canada”. I waved and welcomed people to come and sign up for a private session. We had no idea if anyone actually would but to my delight, I booked all my available spots within about an hour. Felt awesome! The couples were mainly from Portugal, France or Germany, with a few from Canada and the US. One actually works very near my home in Toronto! They were mainly in their 20’s and 30’s and so open and curious about receiving guidance.

The adobe structure they had me working in felt a bit like a clay beehive. It was such a perfect place to work and I would lay out a sarong for all 3 of us. The conversations mainly started with asking the men what they wanted more of in the relationship.

This often took them by surprise but once they nestled in, they would often share things for the very first time and I could sense their partner’s eyes widening at times. Then it was the woman’s chance to speak about what she wanted more of and from there, I would weave back and forth teaching each of them more about each other. Often doing a bit of translation such as, “she is saying she needs a hug from you in the mornings and what she is asking for is connection” or “he has become resentful about fixing your computer all the time and what he is asking for is appreciation”.

And of course, at the end of each session,, I would have them give each other a big hug and a smooch to seal their commitment to improving their relationship. They often left glowing which was wonderful to see. In every moment, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, helping the couples that needed me. It was very healing for myself too and I thought of David often. I really feel like he was giving me strength and guidance through it all.

COACHING EXERCISE FOR YOU

Identify where in your life you are blaming someone else for your unhappiness and allow yourself to see how much more power you would have if you took 100 percent responsibility. This doesn’t make the other person’s actions correct but what could open up if you really saw that you create your own happiness regardless of their actions? What actions can you take to reclaim your happiness?

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below. :)

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
Click Here to Get Your FREE DATE COACH STARTER KIT!