Dating Myths - Part 1

I find that sometimes people are allowing their dating lives to be guided by myths. I've compiled the ones I have heard most often so if you are currently believing any of them, now is your chance to listen to my tough love and give these myths the boot! :) 1) Myth: I’m engaged in the dating scene because I have an online profile, I attend singles events, and I go on blind dates.

Fact: Going through the motions without any emotion does NOT mean you are “engaged in the dating scene.” For example, let’s say you go to a speed-dating or singles event, but during the car ride there, you’ve already decided that you’re not going to meet any interesting men. So, you allow this belief to guide your night and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When I used to host singles events, I would sometimes see women gather in a corner to talk about how there are no single men in their town. Meanwhile, another group of women who were open-minded and chose to focus on fun, were surrounded by men before the night was over. And yes, in some cases they were interested in the men romantically and in other cases they weren't, but they believed that they were already at the event and were committed to having a good time.

Another thought on this topic is I want you to pay attention to whether or not your friends are negatively influencing you? When you head out for a night with the girls, try to spend time with women who are optimistic and fans of men. Your ‘going out’ friends need to have more to offer than just being single. They need to be encouraging and have a healthy attitude. Even though we love our friends, sometimes their attitudes can hinder our success. It’s okay not to go out with some of your single friends if they bring down your mood.

2) Myth: Older men only want younger women.

Fact: This is simply not true. If an older man is only interested in dating younger women and that bothers you, then he’s not the man for you! Don’t waste time being frustrated by this. I’ve spoken with plenty of men who are interested in dating women their own age and in fact, many years of hosting singles events taught me that more often than not, men will choose the age category where they meet women their age (even if they can attend the younger group instead!). Besides, when a man is saying he wants a younger woman, often he is referring to wanting some youthful energy – not necessarily a young chronological age. I see many attractive and active women in their 50s and beyond. They make great partners to the right guys because they have fantastic attitudes and truly take care of themselves. They simply apply a lot of the principles from my book, The Art of Living a Flirtatious Life.  Relationships between an ‘older man and younger woman’ face their own unique struggles and it’s not all perfect. So, ladies please stop seeing this as an “issue” in our society that is hindering your dating success. Focus on the men who want to meet you exactly as you are today. If you keep going to the same bar or event and finding evidence of the ‘older man, younger woman’ pairings, go somewhere else!

3) Myth: Men who go to singles' events are losers

Fact: Many men are new to the area or have been out of the singles’ scene for a really long time. The fact they are making the effort to attend a singles’ event only means they are proactive and smart. Why not go to events where you know everyone is single and looking? Like any event, there will be people you warm up to and people you don’t. There will be people you would never date in a million years and people you find your self surprisingly attracted to. Men generally don't go in groups to singles events - they prefer the lone wolf approach. I guarantee if you keep an open mind and not focus only on the most attractive guy there, you will open yourself up to some great matches.

In my next article, I will give you even more Myths that we can boot. 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Are You The Mothering Type?

Are You The Mothering Type?  Okay, so you know yourself well enough to recognize that you have a tendency to mother the guys you date.

Some women mother because they honestly don't really know of another way of relating to men. They grew up in an environment, cultural or otherwise, where men were taken care of and that's just the way it was.

Other women mother because it's what originally got them attention with men and so they continue on with it.

And yet other women mother because they honestly like to help a guy get on his feet - find a job, get over an addiction, get a place, get his act in gear, whatever it is. They really want that often inaccessible movie-like feeling that THEY were the ones who turned this guy around when NOONE ELSE COULD!!

The problem with the "mothering tendencies" is that more often than not they are accompanied by a strong feeling of resentment. Being a supporter to someone has the potential of being a rewarding role BUT if it's not adequately appreciated, it feels terrible. You get wound up in the "potential" of this relationship, rather that the stark reality. You hope that if you just give enough, it will somehow naturally be reciprocated. You say to yourself, "he's such a good guy and I know if I just let him stay at my house one more month rent-free and I pay for his parking tickets, he will surely turn around and really appreciate me and we'll fall madly in love".

I'm a romantic but I'm also logical and know that in order for blissful love to occur, resentment cannot be present. It's that simple.

There is often lots going on in these types of relationships but if we focus just on the mothering + lack of appreciation = resentment equation, I can offer some guidance. First of all, remove the notion that if you just give more, you will be appreciated more. There is no correlation. Second, be a lot more vocal about your needs not being met - treat it as a discovery of self, "this is how I believe I deserve to be treated and I guess I haven't really been vocal about it". By being more vocal, you give people the opportunity to adjust their behavior. If you aren't vocal, well then you are asking people to read your mind and that's not going to go anywhere.

When all is said, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a mothering type, it is just the degree to which you express it. Just be aware when you feel yourself slipping into a bit of resentment and express what you need.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How To Jump-Start Your Single Life

How to Jump-Start Your Single Life

So you've made the decision, you're a good person, you have goals and direction, you have a loving heart and you want to share your life with someone else. There are so many theories out there that say love comes when you least expect it. This can be true to a certain point but I guarantee if you spend every night on the couch with the remote, love won't find you. So let's talk about getting proactive about your love-life or as I like to say "give fate a little nudge".

First you need to clean house. By this I mean put pictures of exes, cd's made by exes, clothes worn by exes and file them under g for garbage or put them in a box in the back of your storage, sealed with a nice piece of duct tape. New energy is going to have a tough time coming into your life if you listen to his mix cd everyday on the way to work, keep his toothbrush in your cabinet or keep his old t-shirt in your drawer. Purge it all! A lot of times, people don't realize their exes energies are still around even if it's been months or years since they broke up.

Okay, so now that things are cleared out, get a pen and paper and take some time to spell out your romantic vision. I know it may sound cheesy but until you write it down on paper, people are often not very clear on what they are looking for. Write down your ideal life you have with your partner 5 years from now. What are you doing? How are you feeling? What are his strengths? What are his weaknesses? Keep writing and re-writing until you can read it from beginning to end with butterflies in your belly.

Next is you want to tune into things in your life that maybe you've been doing alone. Have you been spending more time with the home-exercise DVD than at the gym on the treadmill? When's the last time you took your favorite book to the coffee shop instead of your bed? Start by taking some of your private activities and making them public. This is a good warm-up in getting yourself out there in an indirect way while still doing the things you love.

Next, make a goal to do at least one thing a week to improve your love life. These may include signing up for a speed-dating event, creating an online profile, accepting an invitation to play on a co-ed sports team, or improving on your appearance and confidence in some way - maybe that simply means switching conditioners.

Finally, accept all invitations. Yes that means all of them. If friends or co-workers ask you out, go. People say to me, "oh but I know everyone there" or "my friends don't have any hot single friends". I say, look beyond that! What about when you stop in to get gas on your way to the pub? Or you stop in to get flowers for a friend's housewarming? Who is that cutie in aisle 4? What if your friend's cousin just got off the phone with her single friend who is moving to town next week? When you are on the proactive and open path - situations arise - you just never know how, so try not to block them out.

And above all, resolve to look at the world as though there are an abundance of great guys out there rather than assuming it's slim-pickings. Switch it on and get out there!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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So What's With This Term, "Dog Mommy"?

So What's With This Term, "Dog Mommy?"

I've had quite a number of single men say to me they have dated women they now refer to as "Dog Mommies" so I decided to investigate further. What is a Dog Mommy and how is it affecting your dating life? Now, I first have to preface, all the men I spoke to are DOG LOVERS but just don't have a dog of their own.

Dog Mommy (dfn) - a woman who is consistently cancelling or adjusting dating plans based on her dog's schedule.  

Balancing your dog’s schedule with your own can be difficult but ask any dog lover and they’ll say it’s all worth it.

BUT, what about when you think that maybe your dog responsibilities are cutting into your dating life? How do you balance your love for your dog with your desire to meet a great guy? 

Things you want to first ask yourself: 

Is my dog complementing my life or is my dog MY LIFE? ie, can I be carefree and enjoy myself on a date without worrying about my dog at home?

Do I narrow my search for a partner by whether or not he has a dog?

Do I often say no to drinks or activities with friends and co-workers because I have to go home and walk my dog?  

One man said to me, "Most of the time, I felt like she had a child and I was consistently a lower priority"

Another man asked me: "There are so many single women in their mid-30's getting dogs. Is it because they really want to be a mom and this is the next best thing or what?" 

What I believe is that you can have both if you learn how to manage. I know plenty of women with dogs who have a healthy dating life but the key is they also set aside a budget for an excellent dog walker and dog sitter.

When making plans with your date, use positive, inclusive language: “I can’t meet with you, I have to take my dog out” is not nearly as inclusive as saying something like, “I’d love to meet up with you, how is 7:00 at (location) by my house after I take my dog for a walk? or "You can come with me on my walk if you like and we can go to the (location) afterwards”. 

What this shows is that yes, you are a dog owner who loves her dog BUT you also masterfully balance so that you can create a healthy dating life. 

Some women are not willing to budge when it comes to their dog and it can be a real turn-off. I catch some saying things like, “well he must love my dog or I want nothing to do with him”. Yes, if everything worked out perfectly, the dynamic between pets or kids and a new partner would be blissful right from the beginning but the reality is these relationships often need time and just because the first meeting wasn't amazing, doesn't necessarily mean the second one won't work.

One last thing is think seriously about allowing your dog to share your bedroom. Dogs are of course territorial and adjusting to a new boyfriend sharing the bed could be very stressful. I'm not a dog training specialist but I'm sure the infamous Caesar has some words on training your dog to sleep outside the bedroom or in their own bed on the floor. Just trying to help you avoid a mood killer on those romantic evenings with your new guy. :)

So enjoy your pet, balance things out by hiring a dog-sitter and use inclusive language. 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Where Is This Going?

Where Is This Going?  Have you found yourself asking this exact question?

Have you been dating someone for a certain period of time but have no idea where it's headed? A coaching client shared with me that she was 'dating' a guy but really didn't know much about him. They would meet up on weekends, go out together, whether it's drinks, dinner or dancing but they would never speak during the week. She knew a little bit about him and his past relationships but not very much. She wanted something more but didn't know how to go about it without feeling too pushy.

Because of her attraction to him, she felt that if she spoke up for what she really wanted (more communication during the week and a sense that this is headed somewhere), she might lose him. This is what women (and men) often do when they think they've met someone really great but don't want to lose them.

The problem? Well, for one, you are teaching them how to treat you by going along with what actually isn't okay with you. I highly suspect the guy my client is dating doesn't have any idea she'd like more than what he is currently providing because she says 'yes' every time he asks her out for a weekend activity.

The second problem I know happens is she starts to build resentment and starts feeling like he's taking advantage of her and her intentions to be in a real relationship. She feels let down and spends a lot of her time feeling nervous and unfulfilled.

What do I advise? Be open about what you want. Be open about what you love about spending time together and be clear on what you want more of. Don't pretend "everything's cool" when it's really not. It will create even more distance.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Doesn't He Pick Up On My Hints?

Recently a male client of mine mentioned that a trait of women that drives him crazy is that "they don't ask for what they want, they just hint!!". I could tell this was a huge frustration for him and quite honestly the biggest thing that was holding him back. He would go out on dates and half the time not know if he should be decoding everything. He always felt like he was disappointing women because he wasn't picking up on subtleties and he'd either hear about their frustration with him or he'd just never hear from them again. At the same rate, women come to me and say things like "I've hinted at wanting to go to that travel destination/shop/restaurant and he's never taken me there". Or, "I've hinted about that shop I love to go to and he didn't go there for my birthday present. What gives?"

The problem lies in the fact that when women interact with other women we spend a lot of our time both speaking in hints and picking up on hints. We have mastered the art of subtlety and will be the first to notice what a friend or even a stranger needs. A friend could say they love lavender earl grey tea and you can bet that's what we'll put under the tree for them a year from now.

There's actually a scientific reason behind all of this. There is a part of the female brain that is actually wired to pick up on hints. This does not exist to the same level in male brains. It's certainly not to say it doesn't exist, but not to the same level as it does in female brains. Perhaps it traces back to our cave-woman days where we needed to be super aware of the emotional and physical needs of our community when the men were out hunting mammoths to ensure we stayed fed. A good book to read more on these intricacies is, The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, MD.

So what do I advise you to do? Develop a little compassion based on a greater knowledge of each other's brains. Sure it can be frustrating but don't you think you will get further with the opposite sex if you take more time to understand them? It's why a lot of what I teach gives both men and women an opportunity to understand each other, celebrate and even share a laugh at the differences.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Should I Play The Field Or Flirt With One?

Question:Hi Christine, I have a question and it has to do with playing the field.

There is this guy that I'm quite interested in. We have just become friends and have been spending some time together. Currently our time together is relaxed and I have been working hard to keep it that way, while also subtly showing him slight tid bits of adoration. Now for the first time he & I and some mutual friends will be going out to a club together. It is my understanding that he has been picking up on some of my hints and has been reciprocating. Now I'm not too sure of how to behave on this outing. Do I continue playing the field, while also flirting with him? Or do I focus my attention on flirting with him? What is the protocol?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, SH

Answer: Dear SH,

Thank you for your question. My advice is to flirt with him for most of evening. I would make sure that you reach out and touch his hand or shoulder at some point while maintaining eye-contact (strong signal!). If the club is loud, leaning in to say something in his ear while your cheeks caress is a nice advance too. Don't go over the top, subtlety is key. You can certainly talk to other men but don't openly flirt with other men. Games are lame. If you do find yourself in a longer non-flirtatious conversation with a different guy, be sure to make eye contact with the guy you are interested in. The evening at the club is going to be a much more intense atmosphere so you can take a few more risks. Something about dancing and loud music can cause people to step a little further out of their comfort zone so this is going to work in your favor. It's all about sending enough signals so that he feels comfortable in asking you out - whether it happens that evening or shortly after. Have fun!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How Do Men Know If They Want to Marry You?

So you’ve been dating a guy for quite some time and you sense things could be shifting toward something more serious….like marriage. You are pretty clear on the reasons why you’d like to marry him but how does he decide? What sort of thought process does he go through to decide if he’d like to propose? Well, I asked the same question to hundreds of men and here are some of the reasons they'll know they want to marry you (I’ll share more another time) they told me: 1) He likes her and feels liked by her.

I know this may seem so obvious but you would be amazed at how many people marry someone they don’t genuinely, fully and deeply like. When he likes you, it means he is just naturally charmed by you – no effort. And when a man feels ‘liked’ by you, it gives him the freedom to completely be himself around you. He can picture being married to you but still having the freedom to just be himself.

2) Importance’s are honored

Things that are important to him are honored even if they are not important to you. The fact that it’s important to him is enough. So for instance, you could dislike watching sports but the two of you find a way to snuggle on the couch (maybe you even wear silencing headphones while reading a magazine!) and eat popcorn from the same bowl. You make an effort to meet him in the middle rather than giving him a hard time about it. He will, in turn do the same for you and the things that are important to you.

3) He sees a joint future with her that he wants

Men often arrive in the relationship having an idea of where he wants his life to go and he’s looking to clearly see that who the two of you are together, really does work. He’s looking at whether or not you include him in your life or does he consistently feel like an outsider? Does he feel like you share on a much deeper level with your friends, co-workers and family members?

It’s been said to me by one particular gentleman, “Men marry the woman who already feels like their wife”.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why We Should Compliment the Men in Our Lives More

Have we forgotten to compliment the men in our lives? Based on an experience I had with a client of mine recently, I'm starting to think that we have. A few months ago I gave a male client of mine a compliment. We were talking about his wardrobe and how I felt he needed to purchase some ‘date-wear’. Although his clothes were clean, he could be mistaken for just emerging from the couch after a few hours of video games. I didn’t think this was going to help with the ladies.

I said, “you’re already a handsome guy, you just need some color in your wardrobe”

He looked at me in complete shock. His body language became shy and he had this air of disbelief.

To me, I was just simply stating the obvious with the handsome comment and was prepared to move on in the conversation but to him, it stopped him in his tracks. After a few seconds of silence, he said:

“No one has ever called me handsome. Thank you”

His sincerity caused me to pause and I said it to him again, ‘you’re handsome!’ knowing that it may take weeks or months for him to start believing this truth.

I later consulted a few male friends on the topic and this is what one of them shared with me,

“Women have very little idea of the power that they can have over a man who hasn't had many compliments in his life. Certain men in this world have had no one to pay them compliments. We have an international media juggernaut telling us on an hourly basis that only guys who look like Ryan Reynolds or Brad Pitt can get girls and if you don't look anything like these sorts of guys, you have no chance in hell of finding happiness, let alone love. And when we do actually have someone tell us, it's usually our Mothers or other family members and we then tell ourselves that any compliment from these women is invalid because they HAVE to say those things.Women can help build men into BETTER men, more confident, more self-assured. Women can help change men’s lives simply by saying a few words and then believing in us.”

So the next time you are thinking nice thoughts about a guy – try saying it in your outside voice. I know, sometimes we forget or we think maybe we’ll make him feel uncomfortable. Take the risk and the let the truth make his day.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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But He's Not Tall Enough!

When I look at women’s lists of their ideal partner, I often see a reference to height. For the most part, it’s pretty specific, like “must be over X height” and if he's not - then he's not tall enough. We get talking about this requirement and what often is revealed is that they want to feel protected and safe. They assume if they are with a guy who is a certain height, they will feel protected and safe. I’m here to challenge this logic because I am aware of so many relationships where physical attributes outweighed character attributes and ended up in misery. I have seen women stick firmly to their “must be a certain height” rule for years and years and then they end up dating a guy who is their height or a couple inches taller and they realize it doesn’t matter nearly as much as they thought it would! So here is what I suggest as an edit to your list, take your “must be X height” and change it to “needs to be physically attractive to me”. Don’t be super specific because you will just know who you are attracted to. A woman who is 6 feet tall is going to have a different feeling/preference than a woman who is 5’2″. By changing this simple requirement, you are now saying that you are open to what may be a different type of guy that you haven’t necessarily considered before. There’s a fantastic book I recommend on this topic, “He’s Just Not Your Type (and that’s a good thing)” by Andrea Syrtash.

I did an experiment with a client once where we went into her online dating account and changed her search parameters for height by ONE inch and it opened up over 400 new results!

Seriously, that’s how it can change things.

Like I said before, a strict requirement on height is traceable to a need to feel physically safe and protected. I just think if you believe that ONLY men “over a certain height” are capable of that, it’s a potential fault in logic or at the very least something to think about.

Remember, as a Date Coach, I’m here to cause you to think about the reasons behind some of your requirements and make sure you are not getting in your own way.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Do You Have a Fill-In Boyfriend? How to Know & What to Do

Often times when I sit down with a new client, we review how and with whom they are spending their time. Sometimes it is to highlight that they are not getting themselves out there at all and other times it is to highlight that perhaps the people they are spending time with are hindering their search. I am all about having healthy relationships in all areas of your life but when a client is specifically trying to meet their future partner, we often need to rearrange a few things. What I often see is that women have a fill-in boyfriend in their life, meaning a purely platonic guy-friend that they hang out with, laugh with, do activities with, confide in but are not involved wit I’ve come to learn that this type of closeness can sometimes get in the way of meeting a boyfriend because you are already getting all your needs met by this guy-friend, except for physical intimacy. You aren’t as motivated to meet a boyfriend because it’s just easier to complain to the guy-friend that you can’t meet anyone. It is just easier to go for a drink with him after work than it is to follow-up on that blind-date your co-worker wanted to set you up on.

The other “fill-in” boyfriend I see can come in the form of family commitments. I had a client who had dinner with his parents every single Friday night and for good reason; he enjoys their company. However, guess what the topic of conversation was every Friday – “so, have you met a special lady yet?”. I think it’s great to have a good relationship with your family but I often see when you have too many family commitments, it takes valuable time away from your search and often makes you feel worse about yourself. I recommend having a serious talk with your family about the IRONY around the fact they always ask when you are going to meet someone but yet you are spending all your time with them. Your family will be understanding if it’s presented in a way that you care about them a lot, still wish to spend time with them, BUT your dating life needs to be priority right now.

Take a look to see if you have any “fill-in’s” in your life right now.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Seriously, Should I Set Up An Online Dating Account?

Many people have been asking me lately, “so does online dating actually work?!”. Everyone is balancing all the ‘horror’ stories with the ‘success’ stories they hear and wondering which one to listen to. So after being in the Dating & Relationship industry for over 12 years, I’m going to share what I have come to know as fact: Success with online dating all comes down to strategy.

Strategy includes, which site you choose, how you do your searches, how you communicate with potential matches, how quickly you move on and most importantly how little of it you really take personally. I was thinking that the easiest way to explain the difference between people who successfully find matches online and those who have a terrible experience is to create a few archetypes – one is successful at online dating and one isn’t (no real names used,  )

Janine:

She has written an okay profile but since she’s feeling pretty unsettled, she talks a lot about what she won’t stand for and what she doesn’t want. Most of her photos are party shots. She wants a serious relationship but in her profile she talks about just wanting to see what’s out there, maybe make some new friends. She is online almost everyday, sometimes for up to 1-2 hours. She chats with guys who instant message her hoping that they might be looking for something serious. Her inbox is super full, mainly with men she’s not interested in. She sends messages to guys she thinks are cute and then when they don’t write back she gets really down on herself and the whole online dating experience.

Stephanie:

Her profile is really well written – it’s short, fun and inviting. She is online for 20 minutes a day maximum and when she misses a day, she goes online for 40 minutes. She is on two sites she has specifically chosen based on where she is at in life and what she is looking for. Her pictures are great – they show a few different looks and she’s smiling in all of them. She never responds to instant messaging and when she sees someone she is attracted to, she sends a very short note expressing interest or a ‘wink’. She only goes on a quick coffee date with guys she has spoken to by phone. She deletes men she is not interested in so she feels positive and clear every time she logs into her account. The time between creating a great profile and finding a great match is between 1-3 months.

So, are you a Janine or Stephanie? Or are you somewhere in between?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Getting Back On The Dating Scene!

Question:About a month ago, I decided I was finally ready to get back into the dating scene. The problem is that I never see any guys I am attracted to! At work they don’t really take care of themselves and then when I go out with friends, the guys are never ones I’m interested in. I feel like I’m never going to find a guy that I’m attracted to.

DL

Answer: Dear DL,

Good for you for getting back into the dating scene. First, toss this fear you have about there not being normal, attractive guys out there. It’s completely false. In fact, the opposite is true. There are plenty of men who fit that description. Now before your roll your eyes, I want you to consider how many times a day you actually look at people – no really, actually sit and view people. When you go outside on a break from work, are you playing with your phone or are you people watching? When you are on the subway, do you look around or do you immediately pull out something to read? At the gym, do you pay attention to your surroundings? I ask you all of these questions because it sounds like what you need is a a daily reminder that there ARE men around you all the time that are attractive. Yes, they may not always be Beckham-attractive or whatever your fantasy guy is, but attractive nonetheless in their own way. My challenge to you is to simply become more aware of men as you are out and about. Do not go to bed at night until you have seen at the very least one man you have found attractive that day. Challenge yourself, have fun with it. At this point, you don’t have to do anything about it like approach him, just acknowledge to yourself you found him attractive.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Mid 30s and Tired of Being Single

Question:I’m a guy in my early 30s never married and have a problem dating anyone long term. Here’s the problem, I date people that I am somewhat attracted to rather than someone I am really attracted to. I do this because I have a hard time meeting people I am really attracted to that have the personality, drive or similar family values as myself. But after I start dating these girls, I think about wanting to date someone else who I am more attracted to. I never tell the girls I am dating because I don’t want to hurt their feelings and really they are beautiful people, but how do I get over this? Any suggestions?

Answer: It sounds like you are questioning whether beauty on the outside can be matched by beauty on the inside because it hasn’t been proven to you yet. This is a fair question. It does not mean that in the meantime you need to date women you feel somewhat attracted to though. You are toying with their hopes and plans for the future while you try to convince yourself you are attracted to them because they are good people and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I encourage you to find a balance half-way between “somewhat” and “really” attracted to. You already know the feelings that you have when dating someone you are somewhat attracted to but dating someone you are really attracted to can also present problems. You contort yourself to impress them rather than being your true self. You essentially set yourself up for a relationship based on an alternate version of you and it’s filled with insecurity. Your balance will be in dating a woman who makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you. You think she looks hot in yoga gear but it’s her personality and values that really makes you like her. Now, go and find her!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Too Young, Too Old: How to Know the Right Age for You

Question:I’m in my late 30s and look like I am in my early 20s and have a hard time dating women my own age. I find there are two main reasons why they won’t date me. Either they think I am too young and don’t want a relationship (marriage, kids, etc.. ) or are afraid that in 20 years I will look way younger than them.)… What should I do? How do you know the right age for you?

Answer: The woman you are best matched with won’t have a problem with either. Dating is not about convincing someone you are right for them. She just simply won’t care about how old you look now or how young you’ll look in the future. In fact she will love that you are youthful! My suggestion is to stop seeing this as a hurdle in your dating life that you need to overcome. The only thing I would consider is altering your daily wardrobe. I recommend hiring a stylist to go through your closet to bring in more pieces that are representative of a man in his late 30’s. This will help in increasing your confidence in approaching women.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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What should I do when she is moody?

What should I do when she is moody? Men and women both get “moody”. In fact there are studies that show men have “their time of the month too” which I’ll get into in a future Blog. Men have asked me recently how to effectively handle a woman’s bad mood. My advice is aimed at helping you understand and effectively be there for women who are occasionally moody.

A guy needs to remember not to unintentionally reward her for being in a bad mood. If you tip-toe around her, cow-tow to her every demand and are super, extra, extra nice, you risk getting caught in the cross-fire and BECOMING the problem. I’m not encouraging you to avoid being kind and understanding, just don’t go over the top. Authors, Louis & Copeland suggest these excellent keys for handling a woman’s bad mood:

1) Acknowledge it: “Had a bad day?”, “Not feeling so good today?”, “Having a rough time?” 2) Show a little compassion for her mood. The key here is to never try to solver her problem. Just listen to her and show a little compassion. You might say: “Sounds rough. I know how bad a bad mood can be.” “Wow, I’m sorry you are having a hard time” 3) Stay upbeat. This is critical. You must go on with your life, little affected by her bad mood. You shouldn’t do this in a sarcastic or overly enthusiastic manner: just make it clear her mood is not going to change yours. 4) Step aside as soon as possible. If she’s really down, she’ll either want to sort it out with your help or sort it out alone. If she wants your help, DON’T immediately offer solutions, just ask her clarifying questions so she can get clear on what she’s upset about. Examples are: "Sounds pretty intense. Tell me more if you want to." or "Is there anything that I can say or do that would help?"

By following these steps to the letter, you will greatly minimize any frustration felt by either of you.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Expert Online Dating Photo Tips

Question:I am so new to this whole online dating thing. I’ve got my profile somewhat written but I don’t seem to have any good pictures of myself. Most of them are old or with friends/family. Do you have online dating photo tips on what to do without spending a fortune on a photographer?

Answer:

If you are single and looking, online dating needs to be part of your repertoire. In North America alone, there are more than 50 million singles registered with online dating sites, making tech-romance an integral part of today’s culture.

When working with date coaching clients, the first thing I assess on their profile is their photo.

They must receive an ‘A’ Grade or we can’t move forward. Yup, it’s THAT important.

Here are my recommendations on ensuring an ‘A’ Grade on your photo:

1. Go through all of your photos that have been taken within the last year. 2. Create a folder in your documents entitled, “ME FAVORITES”. 3. Put any photo of yourself in there that you like. Make sure they are just photos of you and no one else. There are some exceptions if you can cleanly cut out a friend who is standing next to you but you don’t want a picture of you with a random body-less arm around your shoulders. 4. If you don’t currently have photos of yourself, put a call out to friends or family members who might have photos of you on their camera. 5. If you have a Facebook profile, double check it to see if there are any good photos that might have been tagged of you. 6. Get every last picture you find organized into your “ME FAVORITES” folder.

Still no photos of yourself that you like?

Book a time with a friend, family member or co-worker. Maybe there is someone in your network who has always been good at taking photos. If you still can’t think of anyone, go onto Craigslist and peruse the ads for photographers looking to build portfolios. You may even get a free session. With this said though: do-not-sign-up-for-a-cheesy-portrait-session.

For the fun photo session, here are the tips:

1. Get dressed up in your favorite outfits and experiment with a few different looks. Try sassy, serious, fun, and approachable. Don’t be over the top with your poses. A great smile is most attractive. 2. Your aim is to get two good pictures, one a close up of your face and one a full body shot. It may take 60 photos before you find one you like, but make sure the one you select is a fair representation of who you really are. 3. Avoid wearing black. Wear red or have it in the background. This will really help your photo stand out. 4. Try various settings and lighting until you think you’ve really got it. 5. A good way to get a full body shot is to have your friend stand on a stool slightly above you so that you can look up toward the camera. Don’t look down; this isn’t flattering for anyone. 6. If you need to add a 3rd photo, make it an action shot of you hiking or biking or engaging in some activity outside of posing. 7. Please don’t use a webcam. 8. Don’t crop or scribble people out of your photos 9. Ladies, try not to pose with a baby in an effort to show how great of a mother you’d be (or are). That goes for you too guys, no posing with babies. 10. One last thing: Ladies, if you pose “pouty” or sexy, don’t get mad when men contact you just for sex. Men are only responding to your photo so be accountable for that.

Overall, you want your photo to be warm and inviting and show the authentic you.

Don’t try to look like someone you’re not or don’t only post photos of you looking your absolute best.

And remember, your ultimate goal is to transfer you from online to offline dating so choose photos that are attractive but realistic to who you are on a daily basis.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Do You Have The Right Dating “Vibe”?

I’ve been coaching single women for over 12 years and there are two traits that tend to come up quite often. Either a woman is having trouble dating because she comes across as Desperate or she comes across as Detached. The right dating "vibe" is imperative to attracting the kind of guy that you're looking for. First, let’s talk about coming across as Desperate. It’s easy to think of someone you know that gives off that vibe but what about yourself? Think back on your dating history and ask yourself if there are times you may have come across as an el desperado? (Don’t make yourself feel bad though – just observe) Did you panic if a guy didn’t call you back? Did you call the phone company to see if there was something wrong with your phone? Did you take huge offense if the guy you’re dating heads to the baseball game with his buddies and doesn’t take you?

When men speak to me about women who they have met who come across as desperate, they have said things like:

“Well I asked for her phone number and then she was asking me all these questions about when I was going to call and if I needed a back up number and that if she doesn’t pick up to leave a message” You may be familiar with that scene from the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Guys pick up on this desperate vibe and it’s a huge turn-off so don’t underestimate it. It’s definitely an area that you cannot outsmart men in – they smell the desperado vibe from across the room. (Just like women pick up on it with men)

Having a Detached vibe is something entirely different.

Many women I have coached came to me with a bit of a flippant attitude about dating and men. They complained that no men ever approached them. I sensed right away that they didn’t exhibit any intrigue. It wasn’t that these women were not totally interesting with really cool lives, but they had developed this huge wall around them that pushed men away. They thought they were engaged in meeting men but they weren’t. I would sometimes see this at my speed-dating events years ago where women would make the effort to sign up for an event, get dressed up and then once they arrived they gave off a vibe that they could care less if they met anyone.

I’m here to say that it is not a sign of weakness to show in a warm and somewhat subtle way that you are open to meeting someone to date. It’s okay! Being detached will only create stress and cause you to miss so many opportunities to meet men that you are presented with.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Are All Women Gold-diggers?

Question:I hear women talking a lot about how they want to marry a guy who is super rich. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on a date with a woman and she’s directly, or indirectly, asking questions about my financial status. It’s a little disheartening when I feel like they are just looking at my wallet. Is this true for ALL women? Are all women gold-diggers?

Answer: Most women are looking for a sense of security but let me first clarify that this doesn’t necessarily always refer to a money thing. There are silly rumors out there that all women are wallet-shoppers and this has made men feel insecure or frustrated about measuring up. I believe you have just happened to date a lot of women who define security through bank statements.  There are just as many women who define security in other ways.

We want to feel like you are our rock and that you have your life somewhat in balance. It traces back to our desire to feel safe with you. As women, emotional and passionate beings, we tend to seek out stability, emotional stability, to balance out in our often roller-coaster like lives.

Security can be expressed by you in having a sense of what your goals are and where your passions lie. Take time to think about this so you can easily articulate when opportunities arise on dates. A man that doesn’t have a general idea of where his passions lie or where his goals lie is something we question and hence, we don’t feel secure with you.

Security can be expressed through initiative too. A guy who doesn’t take initiative is not attractive to us. Yes, I know there may be a ton of reasons why you don’t take initiative and we can get into that another time but initiative is huge.

Security also comes with being responsible when things don’t go right. If you screw up, who cares? Accept blame, fix the problem and move on. Be responsible for your mistakes and not only will you feel like more of a man but women will notice. A man who is consistently placing blame on others is another way we don’t feel secure with you.

So here is a summary of all the ways women look for security within a budding or established relationship. I believe that once you focus on providing women with an authentic sense of security around you, you will stop attracting those who are solely looking at your wallet’s security.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Dear Miss Independent

Question:I really like my independent life but I would also like to be in a relationship. I’m having a hard time communicating this on dates and I think it’s the reason some guys don’t call me back after the 1st date. I don’t want men to get intimidated by me but I don’t want to hide how great I am. Help!

Miss Independent

Answer: Dear Miss Independent,

As a single lady, independence is something you have gotten used to right? Some days you love your independence and other days you loathe it, I know. As a single woman you get very used to doing things on your own like exercise, traveling or fixing stuff around the house. You become more and more self-sufficient despite your desire to have a man in your life.

It can sometimes be difficult because as you are spending time alone, you spend a significant amount of time thinking about wanting a boyfriend. You may even do up a vision board about him, dream about him and wonder endlessly where he is.

And then he appears…… and you have a date with him. Yay! You’re excited and meet up with him for drinks. Here enters the problem. You spend the entire date going on and on about how independent you are and how you don’t really NEED anyone! You wonder why he never calls again.

This is one of the topics I cover in my workshops. Men need to feel needed! It’s simple. Where does he fit in your life if you come off as fiercely independent?

Okay, a similar mistake is the women that have intensely busy schedules but have a strong desire to meet a guy. You know these women and you might even be one. They love to go on and on and on about how busy their lives are whenever they’re given a chance. They start every voice mail or every email with “oh my gosh, I’ve been so busy” or “things are crazy, when are we meeting again?”, or something similar – you know what I mean.

When you are out on a date with a guy, of course he wants to hear about the things that are going on in your life but he doesn’t want to be consistently reminded that he’s going to be somewhere down the line of priorities. Don’t mistake this for a man’s need to have a bit of challenge. He wants to be involved in your life, not a convenient add-on. When a guy asks you out on a date, don’t list off all the times you are not available. Take a moment to pause and focus on the times you are available and name a few.

Be okay with showing your openness to sharing your life. It’s what you ultimately want, right?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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