Why Being Too Laid Back and Just “Going With the Flow” Can Actually Be a Problem

Lately, I’ve noticed a theme with female clients. Really, it’s a theme that stretches far beyond my own clients and is becoming increasingly prevalent in today’s society. Many women, in and out of relationships, are striving to be seen as that calm, cool, “oh, that’s okay” person in the eyes of their significant other while compromising their true selves. The thing is, there's a danger that comes with being too laid back. Before we venture on further into this topic, I’d like to point out an important distinction that there are lots of people who really are, just naturally, very laid back and are perfectly satisfied with their lives and relationships. In this post, I'm speaking specifically about those who wish to be perceived that way at the cost of their own well-being. It's for the women who aim to be seen as always cool, always laid back and as just going with the flow – even when, inside, they know they’re sacrificing what their heart desires.

When I say I’ve noticed this theme as of late, I should note that I’ve especially noticed it amongst strong, independent women. After a day of killing it in the boardroom or jetting across the country for a speaking gig, they arrive home to their personal lives, leaving their opinion, needs and desires at the door. They want the man they are dating to say to their friends, "I'm dating this woman who is great, she's so laid back about everything" and then hear of how cool his friends think you are for that. I swear it sounds like I am taking this out of a page of the high school chronicles, but it's out there.

Why is this happening and what sort of effects can it have on a woman and her relationship?

This “laid back” and “go with the flow” type of attitude is near constantly encouraged in mainstream movies, television and literature. Think of the last time you watched a romantic comedy. It is generally the aloof, detached woman who captures his interest. Talk about mixed messages!! No wonder it's confusing.

Now, I’m not saying that women have decided to base how they behave in relationships off of romantic comedies, but I am trying to show you just one example of how this type of thinking has become so incredibly mainstream. Media has focused on the extremes.

The problem with trying not to ask for “too much,” and thereby not asking for what she truly needs or wants, is that dissatisfaction is sure to continue to build on the inside. If she rarely voices her needs or desires on the outside, there’s nowhere else for them to go. Naturally, this can lead to extreme resentment of her partner – even though her partner may have no idea she’s feeling this way. It’s a slippery slope and, while initially she may be trying to maintain a calm collective for the benefit of her partner, it can wind up hurting him and the relationship. I've actually seen this as a major cause of some break ups.

Another problem with this kind of behaviour is that it often goes hand-in-hand with completely ignoring major warning signs or big issues like money problems, infidelity, addiction, manipulation and the like. If a woman feels or believes that she’ll be better received, liked or appreciated by letting things go time and time again, bigger and bigger relationship issues can sneak through the cracks without the attention they need and deserve.

So, how does a woman in this situation find her way out of it?

Rebalancing in a new relationship may be easier, as you may have just recently met and there's room for you to shift a bit and shed old habits. In a long-term relationship or marriage, on the other hand, you may find it a bit more difficult expressing yourself and voicing your needs and desires. However, chances are you have history, rapport and trust that will help you and your partner navigate through you shedding your “too laid back” skin. Just be careful to avoid waking up one day and suddenly announcing you are not okay with all the things he thought were just fine. Approach the topic with the desire to build a stronger understanding.

Before doing anything, I encourage you to take a half hour to yourself and truly evaluate your current circumstances, decision making process and the way you interact with the opposite sex. Maybe he’s your new boyfriend, a guy you’ve gone on a couple of dates with or your long-term partner. Whatever your individual case may be, really think on it and allow yourself to recognize how and when you just say “OK” when you’re actually feeling something entirely different on the inside. Starting there will allow you to more clearly recognize the behaviour you wish to change and will help you find examples to share. Then, it’s up to you to step outside of the laid back comfort zone and express yourself. Start with really small things to build your confidence in becoming "laid back AND having your needs met/opinions heard". For example, if the fact you would really rather stay in with him this Friday night rather than go out, just say it or if you'd rather he didn't always reach for his phone during a romantic walk together, then express it. Come to think of it, if you haven't already, visit my homepage and download my Inspire Authentic Communication worksheet and audio. I assure you that your relationship, partner and self will be thankful you did.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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You Miss The Man You Wish He Was… And Why Those Feelings Will Fade

There’s a country song that has a lyric that’s always stuck with me. It goes a little something like, “you miss the man you wish he was.” The lyric is about feeling hurt, lonely and nostalgic following a breakup but being able to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is more about whom you wish you had been with as opposed to the person you really were with. What I find many of my clients find, however, that it’s moving on from a break up that is truly the hardest. The other day, I was speaking to a woman who had recently gone through a break up and was feeling really down about it. I asked her what exactly it was she thought she’d be missing out on in her life without him in it. She paused for a moment, then another moment, and then she realized she was stumped. She discovered she was far more attached to the physical attraction she had for him then the actual unfulfilling relationship. If you can accept that breaking up with someone certainly doesn't mean you are automatically not attracted to them, it can make things easier. Think of all the people you have been attracted to but have not necessarily been in a relationship with, now your ex is one of them. Aside from her attraction, she also re-discovered there was nothing in life she couldn’t experience without him they just now looked different. In fact, her new experiences could turn out to be better than she had imagined.

Transitioning from always having someone around and being “one half of a whole” to being single and entirely self-reliant can be difficult. That, I can’t deny. However, I believe that often times people get so caught up in the strangeness of that feeling that they start to grow falsely nostalgic; sometimes even considering trying to get their ex-partner back. Anyone feeling this way needs to remember that it’s natural and OK to feel these feelings. What’s so important, though, is that the feelings are acknowledged and recognized for what they are – romanticized nostalgia.

As time goes on, particularly when we’re feeling blue, we tend to romanticize past events and relationships. Memories make way for nostalgia and we easily begin to confuse moments of upset and disappointment for feelings of normalcy, routine and even comfort. When moving forward in life without someone we used to interact with constantly, we can feel off kilter or unlike ourselves – even when nothing about ourselves has changed.

If you’re considering a break up or have recently gone through one, I encourage you to give it time.  If you want to spend an entire weekend in bed crying, I say go for it. Don't judge yourself, just let the tears flow. The sad, crappy feelings will fade and stick around for shorter periods of time. You will find excitement, confidence and love again. What’s most important right now is that you allow your heart to feel what it’s feeling, but to remind yourself that you are just as capable, spectacular and worthy of love as you’ve ever been – if not more so.

There are many ways to mellow a hurting heart and speed your path to emotional recovery following a break up. One of the most rewarding activities I can recommend is yoga. While yoga is an incredible work out for your body, it’s also an exercise for your mind and inner self. Surrounding yourself with calmness and other people seeking fulfillment and serenity will help you achieve those goals as well. Try doing one thing a day that you love, big or small. Everyone is different so for some it might be time with loved ones and others it might be going for a long bike ride or eating your lunch away from your desk and out in the park. This will help you on your journey to achieving your “new” normal.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why Men Crave Appreciation and How to Honour That

Last week I shared with you how criticism is experienced differently for the masculine and feminine. In much the same way, appreciation has a very different impact on the masculine than it does on the feminine.

It’s not to say that women don’t enjoy receiving appreciation, it’s just that the impact it has on men is HUGE and it’s sometimes overlooked or forgotten.

For the feminine, appreciation makes a woman feel safe to be herself.

Women will generally spend time with people that value and appreciate who they are in order to affirm their sense of worth.

For the masculine, appreciation is fuel.

As women, we think that we have unlimited energy, so we don’t pay any attention to where or how that energy is spent.

But men are obsessed with how their energy is spent!

A man will actually do the math in his head about where and how he’s going to divide his energy.

Appreciation is the fuel that energizes a man. Opportunities that yield appreciation are where he will head first.

The more often a man receives appreciation, the more energy he has to spend.

Ask a man what makes him feel appreciated and see what he says.

You’ll notice that a man will use the words support and appreciation interchangeably because to them it’s the same quality in a woman.

When a woman expresses her appreciation for the man in her life she is literally giving him power – the power to be more of what she wants and ultimately a man that feels better about himself. Win-Win

Some women think that if they withhold appreciation from a man that he will work harder for it. This couldn’t be further from the truth and has the opposite than desired effect.

Appreciation puts fuel in a man’s tank so if you want the men in your life to have more energy for their relationship with you, try giving them a little more appreciation and see what happens!

I’d love to hear what happens when you try this so be sure to share your experience with me in the comments below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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It Feels Like My Feelings Are Not Being Respected

Have you ever asked a man how he felt about something only to have him respond with the words, ‘I don’t know enough to have an opinion’? To a woman this sort of response is crazy making because we just don’t understand how a man could not know how he feels about something.

As women, we’re guided by feeling; we’re motivated to action by feeling.

Overwhelmingly though, men do not trust feelings as something to act on.

In fact, men do not always trust people who act based solely on feelings.

For many men, ‘having a grip’ on their feelings is a hallmark of their character.

A man screens information and evaluates it before he moves forward.

A woman only needs to be in touch with her feelings to form an opinion.

A woman’s opinions can change as often as her feelings, but for a man, his opinions are very much a part of his sense of self.

And make no mistake; a man will defend his opinions to the death!

Can you recall a time when you found yourself attracted to a man and were listening intently to every word he said?

Part of that listening was you trying to determine whether or not you agreed with his opinions.

Think about it, when you agree with a man’s opinions you feel closer to him. When you disagree though, there is a feeling of distance that is created between you.

And women hate feeling distance because it makes us feel alienated. We want to feel close and cozy.

On a very basic level, a man’s relationship to communication is that of a warrior. And how does a warrior communicate? He conceals information, because he needs to be able to rely on the element of surprise.

The good news is, any time a man speaks his opinion, he’s actually unknowingly revealing himself to you.

In that willingness to just listen I think you’ll find that he just processes and shares information differently.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Oh I Don’t Care, Wherever You Like Is Fine

As a woman, you no longer need to rely on a man to go out and hunt for your food or to protect you from wooly mammoths, but did you know that a man’s instinct is still to protect you and to provide for you in whatever way he can? While our roles in society now are much more fluid than they were in tribal society, both men and women have instinctual urges that can be seen in the way that we relate to one another

Historically, a women’s survival depended largely on her relationship to a man, and more specifically, her ability to please him.

And while that may no longer be the case, a woman’s instinct is a strong driving factor behind how she behaves in her romantic relationships.

In much the same way, a man instinctively wants to provide for and protect the women he loves. He may not go out on the hunt for, but he certainly does want to take care of you.

Here’s an example.

When a man is walking down the street with a woman that he feels compelled to protect, he will often walk on whichever side of her is closest to the street.

It’s a small thing, and one that most women would not likely notice, but for a man this is an instinctive act of protection.

This is his way of keeping you safe and out of harm’s way.

For a woman, her instinct may arise when she is asked by a man where she’d like to go out for dinner.

How often have you been asked this question and then promptly answered, ‘Oh, I don’t care. Whatever you’d like is fine.’

This is a classic example of how we, as women, operate from our instinctive supporter/adapter mode of being.

But guess what? He’s asking you what you want because HE wants to provide for you.

He wants to make you HAPPY.

So while you’re busy trying to please him, he’s busy trying to figure out how to give you what you want – but you won’t tell him![

So ]2the next time a man asks you where you’d like to go for dinner, watch how quick you are to respond and see if you can pause and just take a breath.

Then instead of saying it doesn’t matter, trust that he’s asking you because he really does want to know what would make you happy, and then tell him where you’d like to go.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Men Will Not Fight For the Chance To Talk

Today's post is all about how men will not fight for the chance to talk. Before we dive right in, I'd like you to ask yourself a question. Have you ever asked a man a question such as “What do you want to eat for dinner?” or a bigger one like “Where is this relationship going?” and found yourself not only asking the question but also kinda answering it for him?

This is one of the ways that women do not know just how deep men really are. It can also become a style of communicating, if we’re not careful.

Here’s how it might look.

A woman will ask a question. If the man doesn’t answer immediately, she will rephrase the question. If the man still doesn’t answer, the woman will then again assume that the man doesn’t understand and she’ll try to be ‘helpful’ by constructing the question as a multiple choice where she ‘suggests’ the answers.

The downward spiral of miscommunication begins here.

Then the woman complains that the man is not communicative.

Here’s what I mean.

Woman: Honey, where do you want to go for dinner?

2 seconds pass

Woman: That Italian place over at the mall?

2 seconds pass

Woman: Or we could just heat up the leftovers from last night. I’ve kind of been craving it.

Man: Silent (Thinking about first question, now filtering the suggestion of whether he likes that Italian place at the mall and now contemplating if there is enough leftovers for both of them.)

Technically this is 3 questions and he is sorting through each of them and developing an opinion.

Woman: (Gets frustrated on why he hasn’t answered, not realizing it’s 3 separate questions that she kinda answered and by the way, only about 20 seconds have passed)

Man: Sensing her frustration and the feeling of “tick tock”, he might say something like, “I don’t know, you choose”.

Can we relate? So what can you do about this?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Why You Should Find a Man Who Loves Your Butt

Last week I held an “Ask Me Anything About Men” event and those who were able to make it got a ton of their questions answered. As you know, I am committed to truth and authenticity whether you are searching for your partner or you are already in a relationship.

One event participant asked: How do I know if a guy is attracted to me?" 

My quick answer was:

Find a man who not only likes but LOVES your butt.

Find a man who not only likes but LOVES your butt.

I was met with a look of “huh?”

I then went on to explain that the difference between being with a man who loves your butt and one who just kind of likes your butt is night and day. When you are with the former, it gifts you with lots of freedom in self-expression and how you carry yourself. With the latter, there is this constant hamster wheel going through your head of “does my butt look too big? Does it wiggle too much? Does he notice that mark on my butt?” and so on and so on. It’s never-ending.

Then this participant enquired a bit further in asking: “But what if he is a legs or breast man, does he still have to love my butt?”

And my answer was, “Yes, absolutely. It doesn’t matter what body part preference he has, he still needs to love your butt.”

Over the years, I have had conversations with tons of men as well as happy couples that have further solidified this view. To be in a room full of men who are talking about women’s butts in a respectful way is actually really interesting.

Why?

Because every single man in the room has a different opinion on what the perfect butt looks like. They go into great detail covering every size and type of butt out there. They may even get into a semi-serious debate about it, but the point is, every man has a different opinion on what type of butt they like.

This is great news so right here and now, drop every single insecurity you have ever had about your butt! If you want to know more about this topic and many other (surprising) reasons men find you attractive, I recommend reading this book and celebrating your bod from head to toe: Making Sense of Men by Alison Armstrong

COACHING EXERCISE FOR YOU

Look for confirmation of this in your own life. Think of relationships you have been in or men you have dated and ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, how much did they love my butt? You could recall catching their eye quite a bit on your butt or things they may have said to you. Think about how you felt about yourself and how was your confidence level? Now contrast that with someone you dated who seemed indifferent or even not attracted to your butt. How was your confidence level with them?

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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The Best Free Online Dating Sites ... and The Worst Ones, Too

This is a question that comes up a lot. Should I pay for online dating? The answer is kind of yes and kind of no. I’ll explain so it’s easier to make a decision. There was a time, maybe about 5 or 6 years ago when it was clear you went on free sites to hook up and paid sites to find a relationship. That is no longer the case. What I have found to be true is the user needs to be willing to change their online behaviour to receive the desired results. For example, if you set up a profile on OKCupid (free), and you say you are looking to just casually get to know people and make some friends, you will be approached for everything from hook-ups to relationships. However, if you go on OKCupid and it’s clear you are just looking for a relationship, you will deter most of the people looking to just hook up. Notice I said “most” – as we all know, there are many people out there who will message you regardless of what you say in your profile. Just press Delete for those.

I’ve compared results many times trying to determine the best site to recommend but the results vary so much, it is difficult – even for a dating coach! What I do know is almost all successful matches come from eHarmony, Match.com, Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. Just when I think I’m onto something and really convinced that say “women get better results on eHarmony”, I get two emails from women who met their match on OK Cupid.

Here are some stats to consider from a recent study:

Messages sent to paid sites were 46.9% more likely to get a response than those sent to free sites. Of the successful messages, those sent to paid sites were 44% more likely to progress to a date. So essentially you are twice as likely to set up a date if you take a proactive approach on a paid site.

And here is a snapshot of a recent article featured on YourTango.com:

There was another study published in Current Psychology that gathered a group of 145 participants (86 female and 59 male) and asked them to simulate signing up and paying for and online dating site upfront. Afterward, participants were told that the website had found a match, but the person was missing a couple preferred qualities. Then, researchers informed them that a friend was offering to arrange a blind date with someone who sounded like their perfect match. Participants had to go on dates with both matches but were given an hour to split between them. Now, we’d think that any sane person would devote 50 minutes to the superior match and 10 minutes to the inferior one, just to scope that person out. Researchers, however, found that the time people gave to the inferior match depended on how much the dating site cost. For instance, men who paid $50 upfront spent 49 minutes on the online date, while those who paid nothing spent only 28 minutes on the same date. By extension, people who pay for online dating services are more likely to contact matches more selectively. At the same time, the study does not measure what people consider and investment. Money is an obvious one, but what about time? People who use free sites may spend so much time completing quizzes, filling out the profive and doing surveys that they’ll end up seeing those hours as commitment.

CLICK HERE FOR A VERY HELPFUL AND THOROUGH REVIEW OF ONLINE DATING SITES

Confused yet? Let me help you make a decision.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, my advice is to use a mixture of paid and free dating sites. For example, try eHarmony and OK Cupid for 90 days and then switch to Match.com and Plenty of Fish if you’re not getting the results you want. Then from there, you want to pick the two sites that you’ve experienced the best results from and continue with them until it’s time to take your profile down because you’re now in a successful relationship.

CLICK HERE FOR A VERY HELPFUL AND THOROUGH REVIEW OF ONLINE DATING SITES

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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How to Gain Confidence and Ask Your Crush Out

It’s easy to think of a million reasons why you shouldn’t ask your crush out, such as: “She’ll think I’m an idiot”

“I’ll be so embarrassed when she says no”

“I’ll have to see her every day after she says no”

“Her friends will make fun of me”

“My friends will rib me for getting rejected”

And so on.

The tough part is building confidence to surpass these reasons and just going for it. When I am working with male clients, I let them know that it isn’t just building self-esteem in the area of asking women out, it is finding ways to build confidence in every area of your life. I call this “spending more time in the zone”. Through coaching, we first look at activities you are currently doing in your life that you feel confident at. For some men, this is hard and is a real eye-opener that they don’t really feel they are good at anything. In these cases, we start small with perhaps one subject they were good at in school or one way they helped a friend or family member. These are things they are good at and potentially proud of. Then we discuss why they felt good about themselves at the time to help in narrowing down the key attributes for them to be “in the zone”.

For example, a man named Rob who does not spend any time in the zone will wake up, grumble about his day, get through work by counting down the hours, head home, watch TV or play video games and go to bed. Rob wonders why he doesn’t feel good about himself and has zero confidence around women when it has so much to do with how he schedules his day.

To help in building self-esteem, Rob needs to have a day more like this: wake up a bit earlier than usual, throw his runners on and get out for a 30 minute jog, eat a healthy breakfast while listening to his favorite music, write down a positive affirmation for the day, get dressed in some clothes he feels good in, listen to some uplifting music or audio books on the way to work, commit to focusing on the positive aspects of work, head to a co-ed activity after work such as a sport or interest group, head home to a healthy dinner and a good night’s sleep.

Notice how I haven’t talked about asking your crush out yet?!

This is because you need to spend a good amount of time in the zone before you can translate that confidence to your interactions with women. And here are the cheat notes, while you are spending more time in the zone, you can “fake confidence” with women. This is completely okay and in fact, can be endearing and charming to women.

In preparing to ask your crush out, set the stage in a way that works in your favor. Choose your mode of communication based on what has been most common between the two of you up to this point. For example, if your crush is someone you have only spoken to in person a few times, don’t ask them out via email or text. If your communication has mostly been via Facebook or email, and in-person sightings are rare then ask them out via Facebook or email.

Here’s an example of something you can say and you can adjust it based on whether it’s email or in-person, “Hi Cheryl  - I hope you are having a good day – I wanted you to know that I’ve really liked our conversations over the last while and I’d like the opportunity to get to know you better. I was thinking that perhaps this weekend, I could take you out on a date? Let me know which evening or day works best for you.” This encompasses all you need – you pay her a compliment and you give her options on timing. You’ve done what you can in asking her out in a gentlemanly way and building up your confidence in order to do so. Good for you! And if she’s a good fit, she’ll say yes and if she’s not a good fit, you’re free to move on to someone who will be a better suited (hint: someone who is enthusiastic and doesn’t need any convincing on how great you are)

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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First Date Advice for Women Who Want to Impress

You look at your watch, it’s 4:00pm. In what seems to be hours later, you look at your watch again, it’s 4:05pm. Your belly is nervous, you can’t focus at work and all you can think about is “what if he’s the One?”, “what if this is the night my life changes forever?”, “will he think I look good in this top?”, and many other thoughts that circulate faster and faster in your brain as the clock ticks. What’s the reason for all this nervous flutter? Well, tonight you’re going on a first date and you have a deep desire to impress him. In your efforts to prepare, you run through all the other times in your recent history where you have wanted to impress someone and you start compiling all the instances where things seemed to go well. You think of the time you ran into an old friend from High School on the street and needed to summarize all you’ve been up to for the last 20 years in a quick 10 minute conversation. Then your mind drifts over to that job interview you had where they asked you to summarize your top qualities in one or two sentences.

These seem like good things to think about, right?

This is a mistake women often make on the first date which prevents them from experiencing success at dating. They completely let go of mystery and flirtation and opt for getting straight to the point by detailing their history of accomplishments. There’s a term for this and it’s called, “front-loading”. It happens when a woman takes her work life into her dating life and treats the date like an interview or a sales meeting. We go about it honestly, thinking this is how we get results in our business life, why not our personal life?

Men do sincerely want to know all about your accomplishments, just not ALL of them on the FIRST date.

So how can you reveal your fabulous self without front-loading? As a dating coach, I’m going to suggest you take it slow. Reveal things about yourself as they come up in conversation. When you find yourself slipping into job interview mode, switch the conversation back to him by asking a question. And when you do reveal things about yourself, there is no need on the first date to go into great detail. You can gloss over some aspects of your life and then easily re-visit them on the second date. Think of the first date as an enticement to the second date (assuming you would like a second date).

Here’s an example of how NOT to answer this question:

Him: So tell me about yourself – what’s your background and what do you like to do for fun?

You: Well, back in 1995 I graduated from Dalhousie University with a major in Commerce and a minor in Marketing. I then moved to Ottawa and took a job at a bank where I worked my way up the ranks until I was managing my department. I run every day and have participated in 6 marathons and 13 half-marathons all over the world. I speak 3 languages and am working on a 4th. I was married and am now divorced with no children.

Here’s an example of how TO answer this question:

Him: So tell me about yourself – what’s your background and what do you like to do for fun?

You: There are lots of things I enjoy in life. I love being by the water which is probably why I chose to go to university out on the east coast. I’d often go for a run on the weekends along this beautiful path by my apartment. I’m curious about languages and I’m currently working on learning Italian. I love it and it’s fun to try and identify things on my desk at work in Italian. As far as my relationship history, I was married for 7 years when I lived in Ottawa and shortly after we split I moved to Toronto. I really like this city – especially the culinary scene you find in the downtown core.

See how you still revealed your fabulousness but without the corporate vibe? If the two of you are a good match, there will be plenty of time to share and enjoy the details about your accomplishments. My first date advice is to make it a starting point and focus more on enjoying each other’s company, not each other’s resumes.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Making the Laws of Attraction Work for You

Depending on your experience and how you were introduced to the Laws of Attraction, you will either perk up and want to listen in or you roll your eyes when you hear the term. Many people were influenced by the film The Secret and took the Laws of Attraction to mean if you want a million dollars, you need to just envision it and it will appear. Even though this is far from the message of the Secret, it was still often interpreted this way. So when you are single, how can you incorporate the laws of attraction to attract men or attract women? You may briefly think I am going to teach some manipulative tactics but it is quite the opposite. I encourage you to work with the laws of attraction to attract your future relationship

How do you do this?

Well you need to create that feeling within yourself that you have when you are with your future partner. If you don’t know what that feeling is or it’s kind of blurry, now is the time to get super crystal clear. What you are doing is getting more familiar with what it is like to be around that person so when you meet him/her, you recognize this feeling.

I take all my coaching clients through extensive exercises around this as it is difficult to move forward with a dating plan if we aren’t crystal clear on who we are looking for. I shy away from encouraging my clients to write down exactly what he/she looks like. I want them to assume they will be attracted to their future partner and they will feel good about themselves around them. These two specific areas of focus are directly connected to feelings and not to lists on paper.

What attracts women and what attracts men are often the same thing. We are both looking for that feeling to arise where we feel good about ourselves when we are around the other. We feel attractive, we feel encouraged and we feel loved. The thing is, we don’t have to wait until we meet someone to have those feelings arise, we can practice feeling them and then just simply “recognize” them when our match appears in our life.

So for the next few weeks, I want you to play around with developing feelings within yourself that you may believe only exist within a relationship. Picture yourself with your future healthy relationship and really get in touch with what that feels like. Journal about it if you like. Meditate if that is better. Cultivate that feeling as you walk down the street of drive your car to work. Let thoughts take shape in your mind until you no longer feel you need to look at a list - all you have to do is sit quietly and focus on the attraction, encouragement and love you feel around your future partner. Then, return to that feeling as often as you like. Not only are you practicing the Laws of Attraction, you are also practicing being kinder to yourself and accessing a deeper connection with your desires.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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The Best Dating Advice You'll Ever Receive

I received a random call this morning from a woman in a panic. Me: “Hi, it’s Christine” Her: “Yes, I need to sign up for that singles event you are having on April 26th – can I get a ticket from you right now?” Me: “Sorry, I’m not sure what singles event you’re talking about, can you give me a bit more detail and maybe I can help?” Her: “I don’t know, it was an event that was sent around and your name and number was on it”

So I’m thinking to myself that perhaps a mistake has been made in a promo email (I don’t host singles events) but as I continued to ask a few more questions so I could re-direct her, I could sense a level of what felt like panic coming from her. It reminded me of a talk I went to a number of years ago put on by the JM Kearns, who is the author of “Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You”. He was telling the audience that his office was flooded with calls after his event had sold out with women saying things like, “you don’t understand, I haaaaave to be there!”. There were several times where his staff reported feeling totally harassed. Yikes.

You see, sometimes women see an opportunity to meet a man, whether it be at a talk, a speed dating event, a large-scale singles event or even a friend’s house and they immediately frame it as “the very last chance I will ever have in my entire life to meet a man and if I don’t go, I will be single forever”.

Sound familiar? It could be something you’ve thought to yourself or you may have immediately thought of someone in your life who has been known to think this way.

When a woman gets in this headspace, it can almost be scary. She is not only hunting, she is hunting with an idea there is scarcity. She believes there is a very limited amount of men out there so she needs to narrow in and catch him quickly. I’ve even heard this mentality is often found in senior’s homes too where women are almost competing for men’s attention because they believe there are no opportunities to meet men outside of the home’s dining area.

Really? Sigh.

So do you want to know the best dating advice you will ever receive?

Stop panicking. Stop hunting. Stop competing with other women. Stop living life in fear. Stop believing in scarcity. And just…..breathe.

As the phone conversation continued with the woman this morning, she became more insistent on me telling her how she was going to get tickets. Without having the promo in front of either of us, I started to suggest some people in the industry she could call but in her eyes, that was not going to get her her man so, in a flux, she quickly got off the phone. I do hope she found some tickets but the unfortunate thing is I can absolutely guarantee she will bring that same energy to the event and she won’t be successful in meeting her match

I didn’t get a chance to share with her what I am sharing with you. My advice comes from countless focus groups I have held with men since 2002 and they have all told me the same thing: “these hunting women are SCARY!”

So when I pose the question of what would be the best dating advice for women from men? Men say, “just relax, be yourself, enjoy the conversation and don’t try to lead it anywhere. Soften up and stop hunting”

As I mentioned, if you are aware of this leaning coming up in yourself or someone you know, just take a deep breath in and breathe out slowly. If you want to gain success at dating, catch yourself in the moment, remind yourself there is no such thing as scarcity and refuse to believe in a fear-based reality. Then breathe again and breathe out slowly. There is an abundance of good people out there for you to meet, there always have been and there always will be. Believe this, it’s the best dating advice you’ll ever receive.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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When Is It Appropriate to Fart in Front of Your Partner?

I recently saw a video on YouTube that had me laughing, then giggling for hours afterwards. You guessed it, it's all about knowing when it's OK to fart in front of your partner. Feel free to watch it here:

When I took a breath from giggling like an 8 year old, I got thinking about how often we go out of our way to hide our farts from our dates or our partners.  How many stomach aches and “I need to get home now” fibs we tell to cover up the fact we actually just need to, as a friend of mine says, “go outside and dust the crops”.

So I’ve decided to go there. Yes, this blog is about farting in relationships (haha, I just giggled again).

Ahem.

So when do we break the barrier?

When is it completely okay to fart in front of the person you are dating?

It can cause massive embarrassment when you’re first starting to get to know someone and one of the following happens:

-        You fart when you use their bathroom which is unfortunately really, really quiet and very, very close to the other room where he or she is sitting.

-        You’re walking down the street with them, perhaps even holding hands, and you decide to just let a quick, hopefully silent one go, and well, it’s NOT.

-        You let one go while they are in the other room hoping it will go away by the time they return but, oh no, they’re back and your fart is still around

I think we can call this “accidentally breaking the barrier”. This accident can actually aid when the future barrier is broken, formally.

Everyone’s body and digestive systems are different so I don’t want to get into how to prevent gas (although there are some wonderful contributors in this magazine that can speak to that), but if you find yourself on a date and you’re feeling gassy, you have some options:

-        Spend a little extra time in the public bathroom and do some yoga moves in the stall. This is entirely possible – just check out YouTube for ‘wind removing poses’ and do them standing up. Just bending over and touching your toes for 30 seconds works too.

-        If possible, ‘go and get something from your car’ if you’re at their place.

-        If you’re really stuck, a friend of mine said: “I went into my bathroom, folded up a towel, put it on the edge of the tub and farted into it.” Sounds like it lessens the acoustics.

When it comes to ‘breaking the barrier’ in your more developed relationship, you could take the approach found in the YouTube link I shared, OR, you could just seriously laugh about it all. Give each other a bit of slack, create some mini-rules like ‘anything you do while you sleep doesn’t count’ and ‘you won’t let it rip when it’s inappropriate’ (like at the dinner table or during a serious/emotional conversation). Communicate about it – and create some humor around it. By all means, don’t put yourself through stomach torture and be one of those couples that is together for 10 years and has never farted in front of each other. Yes, I do know a couple that claims this but can you imagine how many unnecessary points of stress they endured because of it?

Farts seriously are funny. In fact a friend of mine once said to me, “farts and monkeys: whatever age you are, they will always be funny”.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How To Be Alone

I recently had a female client say to me, “Oh, I’d never do that alone!” It was her response after I suggested to a group of women that one of the many ways to meet men was to set up a time to meet a friend at a restaurant…and then arrive 30 minutes early. Especially if you are both single and looking, once your friend arrives, you have already settled in at the bar, been in contact with the bartender and likely started a conversation with the person seated next to you.

It had me consider though how many of us simply aren’t comfortable doing things alone. Why is that?

One of my fave authors is called SARK and she writes fun books about being authentically you and celebrating yourself every single day. Something I am a big fan of. She calls women who are afraid to go out to public places alone, “Captive Women”. (not including places like public transit, grocery stores, Laundromats, etc where we often do actually go alone)

SARK: Captive Women never do ‘social’ activities without a man or a group of women. If questioned about going out alone, they make a squeamish face and say, “I couldn’t go out alone. It wouldn’t be any fun.” Even women who are not like this are shy about going out alone. There is still a social stigma about being out “alone” (translation: boring, desperate, nobody likes her). Going out alone is a skill and an art that can be learned, shared, and implemented. 

There are things you can have with you to assist in being alone confidently. I suggest a good book, a magazine, a sketchbook, some knitting needles, your journal. Whatever you like! Notice how I’ve very specifically NOT suggested your smartphone. I believe it needs to be an activity that is one-way communication or has the ability to create an experience while being alone in public. If you are on your smartphone the whole time, I don’t think it really counts as being alone.

Here’s a cute video on the power (and fun) of being alone:

The thing we worry about when doing ‘social’ activities alone is what others will think. Don’t worry about that and even if you are out alone and you don’t feel confident about it, just act “as if” you are! Continue on to learn how to be alone.

SARK: If you learn and practice an attitude of confidence and take your own tools, you will begin to feel more free in the world, to go anywhere by yourself and create your own magic. If you already know how to do this, please help other women learn it! Practice saying this: I am welcome everywhere. A place is lucky to have me visit.

I believe going out alone can create new opportunities to get into conversations with people you might not if you were out with friends. Start simple and then build from there. Sometimes you will meet people and other times you will enjoy some quiet, reflective or creative time while in a public place. I have met some of the most interesting people when I was out alone – whether in my neighborhood or while traveling on the other side of the planet – it’s an adventure!

Don’t deny someone the pleasure of meeting you. :) 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Your girlfriend doesn’t like your friends-who-are-girls

I recently watched a dating show on TV where the guy was trying to balance the needs of his best friend (a female) and his girlfriend. The girls didn’t like each other so, as you can guess, this just made things worse. He was being forced to decide between the two. Awkward…but  necessary. What do you do if your girlfriend doesn't like your friends? This is a common situation. A girl falls for a guy but not his friend(s) who are girls. I want to share some thoughts on how you can balance things when your girlfriend is not a fan of one of your friends.

First, have an open conversation involving a lot of listening on both parts. Ask questions like, “tell me specifically what it is that you don’t like about my friendship with X”. Kindly insist that the answer needs to go a lot deeper than, “I just don’t like X”. We are essentially looking for any sort of opportunity for you, as the person in the middle, to mend the fence – especially if it was perhaps a misunderstanding.

Second, take time for yourself to review what it is this particular friendship offers you. Is it healthy? Does your friend respect your girlfriend? Do you see yourself being friends with this person for a long time? What is it that she provides that your girlfriend doesn’t? You need to conclude if this friendship is valuable to you.

Third, talk with your girlfriend about how you want to respect both her needs and your own and that you’d like to find a way to meet in the middle. This is about an agreement, not a compromise where one person feels like they are giving in. Maybe all your girlfriend actually needs is for you to share with her like you share with your friend. This could be a wonderful opportunity to draw you even closer.

Usually the basis for a girl not liking her guy’s friend(s) is a lack of trust so understand this is the deeper issue going on. Either she doesn’t trust your friend or she doesn’t trust you. Either one definitely needs to be addressed for your relationship to realistically continue.

Also, respect that you are now in a relationship. What goes along with being in a healthy relationship is ‘shifting who you share with’. It means you do your best to now come to your girlfriend with stuff that’s on your mind, rather than confiding in your friends-who-are-girls. You wouldn’t want your girlfriend to be sharing on a deeper level with a male friend, right?

And, quite honestly, if the two girls don’t get along and there’s no hope of amends, you are just going to have to make a decision. Sneaking around is not an option and trying to keep both sides happy even though they are not a fan of each other will be exhausting and lame.

So start with an open conversation, apply my tips and good luck to you.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How you feel around him is more important than shared interests

Me: “You’re dating a new guy for about a month, right? Tell me, what do you like about him?”

Female Client: “Well, we both like running, he lives downtown, his parent’s have a cottage up North, he has a Bachelor’s Degree from the same University and we both have dogs”

Me:  “Okay, we’ll keep those interests in mind. So how do you feel about yourself when you are around him?”

Female Client: “I find that I’m definitely spending a lot more time worried about my weight and what I look like. He’s super fit and goes running like every morning.  He’s also really flirtatious so it makes me feel kinda self-conscious.”

Me: “When do you feel good, smart and completely yourself around him?”

Female Client: “Um, I don’t think I ever feel that way”

I witness a lot of singles getting really caught up in all the interests they have in common with the person they are dating, almost completely missing the importance of shared values.

“We’re both from the same town and our parent’s know each other”

“We’re in the same industry so we get each other”

Honestly, I’ve seen people get married just because they’re both from the same town! And they hold onto the belief it should work based on that one fact.

In many cases, shared values or how you “feel about yourself” around the other person seem to be a very distant second when it comes to requirements in a partner.

Many people have the basic values in common such as family, friends, religion, etc. but what I’m speaking of are the deeper values. These can be discovered by asking yourself these questions:

Does the person I’m dating inspire me?

Would I want more of this person and their traits in my children? (this is a biggie)

Are there traits that he/she has that I wish I had in myself?

These are very powerful questions and when answered honestly, are far better predictors of long-term happiness than “we both like to play sports”.

By all means, continue to find out what sorts of shared interests you have in common with the person you’re dating but pay much closer attention to shared values and how you FEEL about yourself around them.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Give The Gift Of (Sex Toy) Love

Wondering what to give your sweetie for Valentine’s Day? I’ve got some ideas for you.

Companies that provide sex toys are getting more and more focused on convenience and variety when marketing their products.

One such company is, www.spicysubscriptions.com. Through a subscription-based service, you receive monthly romantic surprises delivered right to your door. They include an assortment of Intimate Toys, Massage Oils, Sexy Lingerie, Romantic Fragrances and more! Shipping is Free and Discreet.

The ladies at Spicy Subscriptions recently sent me a sample box and it was so fun to get this very discreet package in the mail. Is this how boys have been receiving their nudey magazines all these years?! J

Upon opening the black, glossy box, I found pink tissue paper and a personalized note to me describing what I would find inside.

The fun begins with some Kissable Body Drizzle that smells just like you’ve walked into a cupcake bakery, yum. And then there was a Warming Body Massager which I think is a really cool idea – you heat it up in the microwave and voila, it glides smoothly over your whole body for a heated up massage. They promised me there would be a surprise from the 50 Shades book and it was the Ben Wa Balls you may have been hearing about. For a full description on these, you can visit their very helpful blog. The other things you’ll find in this particular box are various lubes, massage oils and even a “position of the month” card!

I think this is a fun way to keep things spicy and be surprised every single month with a new gift box!

Another company I recently heard about is focused on delivering specific items to your door within 1 hour. Think of dial-a-bottle but for sex toys. You can go online at any hour of the day and order your sex toys to be discreetly delivered: www.hotme.ca. Some of their busiest delivery times are Saturday afternoons once the kids have gone over to their friend’s place. Interesting!

So whether you’d like a fun, hand-picked, tissue wrapped gift delivered to your door once a month or it’s Saturday afternoon and you’d like to try a new gadget…now, there’s something for everyone.

And if you and your partner are just warming up to the idea of sex toys, I encourage you to read a recent blog post of mine.  Lots of good tips in there!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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No, You Are Not A Loser For Being Single On New Year's Eve

Recently, I had a discussion about being single on New Year's Eve and I was surprised at how hard people were on themselves. These are some of the key questions that came up. So why do people think it's so important to not be single on New Year’s Eve? Why does it seem like a really a big deal?

Christine: It’s a bigger deal in our head than it is in reality. We somehow think we are going to be the only single person on the planet at midnight. We picture ourselves standing alone among a room full of blissfully happy couples. It doesn't represent reality though - there are tons of singles out there on NYE.

Do you think it's a bigger deal for men or women?

Christine: Yes, from the conversations I've had with men over the years, they really don't put a lot of weight into whether or not they are single on NYE.

Is it cool to do a regular date on New Year’s instead? If so, can you recommend a few ideas?

Christine: Sure, having a regular date on New Year’s is a great idea. You can easily avoid event and taxi fees by staying at home. Cook a really nice, decadent meal. Turn your living room into your bedroom by moving your mattress. Watch movies. Be cozy.

How can anyone feeling bummed feel better about themselves?

Christine: New Year's Eve is about new beginnings and clearing the slate. Spend time thinking about all the good things that happened this year and all the good things you are going to create next year. Get together with single friends, even if it's just one! Don't put yourself in an environment you actually don't want to be in. It's something I see all the time - if you don't want to go to that big, loud NYE party, than don't. There are plenty of yoga or meditation events happening on NYE too.

Do you recommend those "single parties" or should we all be together?

Christine: Ask yourself what YOU want to do, regardless of being single or not. If you’re in the mood for a big single’s party, than go! If you want to meet up with friends, do that. If you want a quiet night in, then that is exactly what you should do.

What one piece of advice would you give to single people on New Years to have fun when surrounded by kissy couples?

Christine: Position yourself wisely. At least be standing next to someone you can hug or kiss on the cheek. If it's 11:55pm and you are surrounded by couples, excuse yourself and find a new group, even if it's temporarily. Keep it light, keep it fun, suggest group hugging at midnight. You always have the option to slip to the washroom and emerge again at 12:05 but really, there is always someone to at least smooch on the cheek.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Is Speed Dating A Good Option?

Lately, lots of clients have been asking me if speed-dating is still something they should check out. My answer is, YES! Some of you know that years ago I owned a speed-dating service in Calgary (now under different ownership) and there were over 65 marriages as a result of my events. 65!! And that is not including all the people who didn’t let me know they got married or are in successful long-term relationships. When building a repertoire of HOW you are going to meet your match, definitely include some trips out to speed-dating events.

Here are some basics on speed-dating to get you started:

Choosing a speed dating service is like choosing any type of service. You want to explore a minimum of three different companies in your area, much like getting three quotes from different painters before making your selection.

Things to consider when selecting a speed-dating company:

• How long have they been in business?
• Where do they host their events? (Bars, cafes or restaurants?)
• Do they have any testimonials or success stories?
• Do they have specific age categories?
• Are they easy to contact and do they provide information in a timely, friendly way?

Start digging by first going to your online phone directory and seeing who is listed under “Dating”. Make a list with phone numbers, websites and general impressions from the ad. Next, do a broad Internet search. Type in key words like “speed dating,” or “singles events”, along with the name of your city. Make a note of all that comes up. Be careful, many companies have tricky advertising and don’t truly have events in your area. Pick your top three, make a note of their web addresses. Later, go back to the three sites you chose and look for some of the attributes listed above. Finally, I suggest calling the speed-dating service and speaking with the owner if you have super specific questions.

Speed-dating is not the only thing you can do to meet your match but it shouldn’t be dismissed until you’ve tried 3 events with preferably 3 different companies.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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You Are Such A Flirt!

  I love the topic of Flirting. Generally people have a strong reaction to it. They either say:

“I’m a great flirt” or

“I’m terrible at flirting – I totally don’t know what I’m doing”

Generally it’s the latter so I thought I would share some simple “party flirt tips” for the upcoming season.

When flirting, learn to walk the fine line and remember that being slightly elusive is exceptionally attractive. Men really need to feel safe, but they definitely want to know that they are chasing something rare and valuable. I recommend that women should end the conversation first but not before a direct look into his eyes and perhaps a very sincere compliment. This leaves him wanting more. You can either end the conversation or excuse yourself for a bit. Like, “I’m just going to the ladies room. Are you going to be staying at this party for awhile?” This will give you a chance to digest the conversation, refresh, check in with your friends and then re-engage with him later. This also gives him an opportunity, if he has to leave, to come up and ask for your phone number. Smart, huh?! You can thank me later. J

Many women ask me if it’s okay for a woman to approach a man. I’m certainly more of a traditionalist, however, I do believe there is a nice little window us ladies can work with – it’s called, ‘make it easier for him to approach you’. Monica Moore conducted a University study to see exactly what women were doing who were successful in approaching men. She observed more than 200 women at a party and recorded these “nonverbal solicitation signals”. The top moves that make a man come over and talk to you at a party are – some of them will make you laugh out loud (but it’s what Moore observed!):

Smile at him broadly

Throw him a short, darting glance

Look straight at him and flip your hair

Keep a fixed gaze on him

Look at him, toss your head, then look back

“Accidentally” brush up against him

Nod your head at him

Point to a chair and invite him to sit

Tilt your head and touch your exposed neck

Lick your lips during eye contact

Primp while keeping eye contact with him

Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement

Ask for his help with something

And the final one that she observed but didn’t advise was “pat his buttocks”

So really, don’t hesitate to make the first “move” even if it is really, really subtle (not the buttocks one!). If you are feeling shy or feel you might be too forward, don’t worry about it because Moore’s study went on to discover that the male ego takes over in these situations. Ten minutes later he won’t even realize that he was not the one who made the initial move. She found that men think they are making the first move even though they are actually responding to a woman’s nonverbal cues. She cites an incident where a woman smiled at a man a total of four times in a restaurant and he eventually came over and approached her after he had visited the washroom. When she asked him about an hour later, he was convinced HE was the one who made the first move.

Happy Flirting!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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